Idiot's Guide to Surviving Natural Selection

These Boots Were NOT Made For Walking

2008-08-21T09:26:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how someone with a college degree and who is actually pretty intelligent could think walking down hills in Seattle with heels on, which have not yet been broken in, is a fucking BRILLIANT idea.

Long story short, my heels are torn up to shit because I wanted to be cute today. I'm wearing a dress I've never worn and thought "Hey, I'll try to look GOOD today...I even put mascara on, so you KNOW I mean business.

But no, I am scared to leave my desk because that means I'd have to put the shoes back on. I don't even know why I dress up. No one even notices me. Tomorrow, I'm wearing jeans cause half the people I saw walking in here were wearing jeans. Plus, my boss isn't even here today and won't be tomorrow either.

I enjoy temp jobs, but I hate them too. It's cool because you get to move around an do different stuff, but it sucks because when people know you are a temp, they barely, take the time to learn your name.

I did an open mic in Kirkland on Tuesday and I gotta say, if I hone my shit and really work on the "performance" end of it, I should be good to go. There was one other guy there who was funny and damn it, I can't remember his name. I did give him my card though, so maybe he'll add me on Myspace...haha.

Okay, I'm even boring myself.

It's been a while

2008-08-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Soo.....it has definitely been a while since I've been on here, but since my current temp job does not allow Myspace, I need somewhere to vent my thoughts.
Right now I am working at an unnamed cruise line in Seattle (oh yeah, I moved back from LA like, 2 weeks ago, but that's a long story) anywho....so I was working on this report yesterday that pretty much required me to compile a bunch of people's notes into one coherent piece of art.

The guy who was showing me how to do it told me after I was done I could just recycle all the original notes. SO I did. Today he got kinda annoyed at me when he needed the notes.

Here's the thing. This kid is the BIGGEST fucking brown-noser headed for a very rewarding career somewhere in middle management. He is a mouth-breathing, mumbling social reject who should have his own comic counterpart in the Dilbert comic strips.

The truth hurts...and I am a bitch.

Howdy, Stranger

2006-09-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

Ohmygod, it has been a while.

Work is still nuts, only now there is some amazingly delicious sexual harrassment occurring and retardation around the office abounds.

Maybe it is just me, but I am kind of offended by the fact that HR guy at my work went up to my friend while she was eating chocolate, pointed at his crotch and said "I got all the chocolate you need right here." Oh, I'm not alone in my shock, yeah...didn't think so. That happened about 2 weeks ago. He has also told me he likes the way I rub forks when I clean them in the sink and told a male co-worker that the reason he had a sore throat was because he swallowed when he was "all up in it."

I plan on using this blog entry as Exhibit A in a lawsuit should it get that far and if he says one more thing, it will have gotten that far.

In other, less disturbing news, I ran my first 5k the other day. It was WAY more fun than I thought it would be. I was just so thrilled with myself for finishing it. Yeah, and for anyone who is sitting there thinking "5K? That's only like 3 miles" Well, it was my first one ever, I've never been able to run more than 50 feet in my life without falling over like a whale with asthma and I got done in 39 minutes...so eat that.

Yeah

Dear Lord, this can't be real!

2006-06-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

Work has gotten so bizarre.
My boss told my co-workers and I she practiced voodoo on an artist that used to work with since he was always arguing with her, the owner of the company told us that not only has he been in AA for 14 years, but also used the movie “Roadhouse” (yes, the one with Patrick Swayze) as an example of how to behave on the job.

I think this building was placed over an ancient Native American burial ground because it totally wouldn’t surprise me if bodies were dug up out in the parking lot or if there was some weird stairwell hidden somewhere that leads to Hades. Everyone here is nuts.

I asked for a day off in August yesterday and my boss seemed to take it as a personal insult that I would not want to come in. She works on Saturdays just because. JUST BECAUSE. She also told me that most of the time the owner gave everyone a week off at Christmas paid but she thought it wasn’t worth it with all the work she had to do the following week. Who has ever thought paid vacation wasn’t worth it? Who are these people, where are the pods, and where can I hide that will enable me to live through this without becoming one of THEM?

If I could be serious for one moment...

2006-06-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

I had a major crush on a boy up until this very day. Today I realized that what I wanted was never going to happen and even if it began to, it would not end well. While it seems I should be able to cut off from this person pretty easily, since there was no real attachment, I feel like I lost something important. It's a big leap from just wanting to be around someone to honestly not caring whether you see them again or not. It's nothing and everything all at once and I feel slightly overwhelmed.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

2006-06-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need to confess a few things that have been weighing heavily on my mind for a while. Since there are a few, I’m just going to make a list. Feel free to never read my blog again.

-Despite the fact he is a total has-been, I’d totally do Pauly Shore.

-I make up short terms for different afflictions such as Tourette’s (‘Rettes), Autism (The ‘tism). I use these to describe people that weird me out. I actually use them to describe myself sometimes. “I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe I have the ‘tism.”

-I’ve watched the Colin Farrell movie “American Outlaw” three times in one day. It really is a bad movie, but his hotness makes up for it.

-I know the following musicals / movies by heart: “Rent,” “The Little Mermaid,” “Beauty and the Beast,” and “The Phantom of the Opera.” Every. Single. Word.

-If you ever see me in traffic and I’m talking to myself, I’m probably muttering obscenities at you and everyone else on the road.

-When I was 18, I developed a huge crush on Kevin Spacey. I watched every movie he was ever in and even bought Playboy strictly for the interview with him. Well, I made my guy friend buy it.

-Nothing makes me laugh harder than Corky on Life Goes On.

-I’m fully aware I’m going to hell.

- I think Degrassi Jr High / High / The New Generation are the most scandalous shows on TV

-One time I tried on a Halloween costume and it got stuck on me, so I took a pocket knife out and cut my way out of it and didn’t tell anyone at the store (all the cuts were on the inside).

-I used to write poetry about people I hated in Jr. High and have them published in the student newspaper there.

-I like to gossip, but mostly about the heinous life choices celebrities make.

-When I listen to guitar solos in songs, I make guitar noises.

More Has-beens I would do:
1) Ralph Macchio

2)C.C. Deville (of Poison)
3) Billy Idol
4)Ben Affleck
5) Elias Koteas (he is scary hot)

Sweet or Nice?

2006-05-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

My boss was talking to this girl that sits in the cubicle next to me, Leah, today because we have this sales rep who is literally crazy and thinks Leah is a bitch. Leah is a freaking nun. She is super sweet and I honestly don't think she'd hurt a fly. So my boss was talking to her telling her not to worry about the crazy lady and how she coudln't imagine Leah ever being mean to someone.

THEN, she looks at me and says "Now YOU Sarah, have Debbie ( a lady who works in our office) fooled because she thinks YOU'RE sweet." Then she started giggling. I said "I'm not sweet?" to which my boss replied "No, you aren't sweet. you're nice...but you aren't sweet. I don't mean that in any derogatory sense."

I'm kinda baffled. A) I haven't worked here long enough for her to decide whether I am a sweet person or not. B) While I'm glad she thinks I'm nice, it sounded like that was a few steps below sweet and C) I haven't fooled anyone. If someone thinks I'm sweet, it is because I fucking AM. I do things for people all the time and I'm not putting on some front.

Maybe I'm being kinda hyper-sensitive...but that kind of hurt my feelings.

Please Hold

2006-05-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

I was on hold for 10 minutes today with my insurance company and never before have I wanted to throw my phone out of a moving car so badly. It wasn’t the “holding” that got me. It was the hold music. It sounded like the music that would play in a 70’s movie as the teenage girl walks out of the abortion clinic into the arms of her awkward boyfriend with the tight pants and “Member’s Only” jacket. I didn’;t even have to cleverly think that scene up after the fact, it was exactly what I pictured the minute it started playing...and 45 seconds later when it started all over again and again.

Don’t businesses realize that bad hold music can have a negative impact on business? If you are going to play music, play top 40. It is predictable, slightly annoying but definitely won’t kill the souls of customers as quickly as 70’s abortion music. I think the perfect hold music situation would allow the person holding to decide what genre they want to listen to. Maybe I should create that system. I’d call it “One Moment Inc.” and I wouldn’t just have music, I’d have comedy bits like Letterman’s top ten and shit like that. That way, when you are super busy, people will WANT to be on hold. You’ll click back and the person waiting will say “ Shit, I was almost at #2...can you put me back on hold for a second?”
Well, fuck yeah I can.

My Life (according to Bjork)

2006-05-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

I just got this 6 CD Bjork set called "Family Tree" and I am officially in heaven. Bjork is my musical life guide. In fact, if I knew Bjork's voice would come out of my mouth when I sang, I'd never shut up. She is so odd but yet so right on. I'll admit it, some of her music is a little out there, but that bitch could write a song about a stapler and I could find some kind of peace and happiness from listening to it.

When I first heard Hyperballad, I hid in my room for 2 hours and listened to it on repeat on my walkman (otherwise my brother would have killed me...SO un-Bjork-like) The lyrics were so fucking weird. Throw shit off a mountain so you feel safe? Wow, dude. But then I envisioned myself on top of a mountain somewhere Heidi-esque, throwing stuff off a mountain, and it worked for me. I saw a video for the song and that was even better. I watched it repeatedly at the video store I worked at. Usually, no customers complained...usually. I stole the DVD of her greatest hits when the video store closed.

Not sure what the point of this post was, but in short, I like Bjork, her voice makes me happy. SHe'll be playing at my wedding along with P.M. Dawn in 2010...so make your reservations now.

A Special Kind of Hell

2006-05-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today sucked ass in a way that can best be described as being handed a lollipop by a kind, smiling person only to have them tell you it is infected with bird flu once you've already taken a few licks.

Yeah.

I went to the DMV (Department of Licensing, for Washington people) today to get my new Cali license and they made me do the dreaded vision test. For those of you who don't know (and not many people do, I am partially blind in my right eye. I was born that way and yeah, it sucks but I live with it because I don't know anything else. Anywho, I went to do the vision test and with both eyes, I was right on the money. With only my right eye, I COULDN'T READ A SINGLE LINE. SO, I have to go to the eye doctor now and basically hand them a form that will decide whether I can ever drive again. I honestly don't know WHY they would say I can't. I've been driving for 10 years and have NEVER been in an accident but I've already had one evil California doctor and I'm not really willing to put that kind of trust in anyone right now.

I just got off the phone bawling to my mom about what the hell I'll do if they pull the plug on my driving life. I can't even talk about it anymore. I think I'm just going to drive my car until the tabs expire. Fuck California.

Quick Glimpses

2006-05-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

- Had a dream last night that Snoop Dogg and a few of his hoes stopped by my place. I wanted to get a picture with him, but his publicist said I'd be killed.

-It's getting kind of ridiculous at work. Nothing to do.

-Yesterday was amazing. I went out to breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle, laid out in the sun, swam like 15 laps in the pool and sat in the hot tub with my headphones on...and it was sunny out. The only thing I am slightly worried about is that I always get a rash when I go out in the sun. I'm scared I'm going to end up being allergic to the sun and I'll have to hide out all day inside with 15 watt bulbs and will only get to play outside at night aka Safe time.
Yeah...I need something to do.

-I think I'm going to buy my Bob Saget ticket soon and George Clinton and the P-Funk All-stars are going to be here in a while too. Maybe I'll go to that.

The New Job

2006-04-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

So, I got me a new job. I applied with this company before I left Seattle and got an interview about 2 weeks after I got here. It is a publishing company that publishes ad magazines for "affluent homeowners." Basically, they sell swimming pools, write articles about granite countertops and, despite the fact I'm a proofreader, they don't care about proper English grammar. It's quite amazing. I keep finding mistakes while proofreading only to be told that it isn't a big deal if a comma is in the wrong place or if someone writes arch-way instead of archway. Sorry, I'm a bitch about it. Tell me to edit and I WILL.

I am pumped because I found a comedy club about 15 minutes from where I live and in the next few months I will have the opportunity to see Bob Saget, Harland Williams (Kenny from Half Baked), and other B and C list acts. My life is finally complete.

Okay, it was already completed when I met Billy Idol but I feel like I need to keep setting my fulfillment goals higher as I reach each one. Since being here, I've already gotten my name at the end of a soft-core porn AND as a legitimate editor at a magazine with questionable legitimacy.

Check plus!

Despite making money now, I still really have nothing to do on the weekends. I'm going to my cousin's book club on Saturday and maybe out with my new friend Tonya on Saturday night.

On a completely different note, I have fallen in love with the music of Sade. I know, I may have been transformed into a 40-year-old menopausal woman, or I just might have had a realization on the way to work this morning that her voice is like vicodin. It kind of gives me the same floaty feeling as the most amazing little white pill in the world and, it is WAY cheaper.

I don't know who else reads this besides myself but, I miss everyone and yeah...it really started to hit me when I went to work yesterday that I have a job in California. As I type this, I am in California. It is just weird.

I will leave you with this quick observation. At night here, rabid little bunnies run rampant and yeah, I can't go outside without seeing one of those freaky things. They make me cringe and get the chills.

Goodnight!

How many malls can one city have?

2006-04-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have found 4 major malls within 10 miles of where I live. FOUR! All have the same stores. It is either my perfect idea of hell...or paradise. I can't decide.
I had a job interview today for some electronics liquidation company, I think it went okay but the lady said it'd be a week and a half before they were done with the first round of interviews. I also have a job interview on Friday for some website that caters to the luxury homeowner. We shall see. My TV show interview has been rescheduled to next week because the producer had some emergency. SUCK.

I'm going to a taping of "Will and Grace" on Thursday night because I have nothing else to do. I am really starting to get frustrated with not knowing anyone down here. I feel like I'm bothering my friends when I call them as often as I do. Whenever I get really bored, I just go to the gym, which I guess isn't totally a bad thing, but whatever.

I cannot wait to get paid Friday. It seriously can't come fast enough. I can't spend any of it cause I have to pay bills, but the piece of mind that comes with having money at all for even a minute will be nice.

It IS sunny though. That helps.

California knows how to party

2006-04-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes...here I am in the land of la-la.

Courtney and I left Seattle @ 6AM on Tuesday and drove 16 hours straight, all the way to Lost Hills, CA...which I think is a little bit South of Fresno? We stopped at a Motel 6 and passed the fuck out. We got up the next day at 8A and were in Orange, CA (where my cousin lives) by 12:30p. So yeah, it was pretty surreal driving by all the Hollywood exits, but once I start blowing celebrities, I'm sure I'll get over it.

It only took about 2 hours to unpack all my stuff and decorate my new amazing bedroom. It also made me realize how much stuff I gave away. I give it a week before I remember something I want that I no longer have. At least there are like, 4 malls within 20 minutes of where I live. Ah, the OC.

I've been applying for jobs like a MF and I already have an interview set up for Tuesday, although it has nothing to do with TV. Right now I just need a paycheck.

Today, Courtney and I are going to a swap meet. I've never been to one, but she says it will be insane and CHEAP! So basically, I'm there already. I think we are going to Hollywood tonight and yeah....I have a feeling crazy shit is about to go down. Courtney and I in Hollywood? You don't even want to know.

I miss everyone and I think I'll be making a massive upset to my phone bill on Sunday after Courtney leaves. I don't even want to think about it at this point.

Anatomy of a horrid pop song.

2006-03-30T16:00:00.000-08:00

I hate James Blunt with all that is in me and I especially hate the song "You're Beautiful." The song sucks, dude's voice sounds like a dying cat and I want to buy ammo everytime I hear the song start (which is about every 5 seconds).

So, I'm going to take the next few minutes to make fun of him...oh yes I am. Let's pick apart the lyrics from "You're Beautiful," shall we?

My life is brilliant. (Apparently, it isn't...cause this girl doesn't want your emo ass.)

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure. (You're a virgin? Might want to NOT tell her that)
I saw an angel. (Hallucinations)
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway. (You're broke ass can't afford a car?)
She was with another man. (They always are)
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan. (This sounds like some stalker shit)
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,'Cause I'll never be with you. (You just answered your own question)
Yeah, she caught my eye,As we walked on by. (She only looked cause she felt bad for you)
She could see from my face that I was,Flying high, (fucking stoners)
And I don't think that I'll see her again, (Restraining orders suck like that)
But we shared a moment that will last till the end. (You like internet porn, don't you?)
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true. (She probably knows that)
I saw your face in a crowded place,And I don't know what to do,'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. (Majestic might be a little more original..who doesn't want to be majestic?)
You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you. (you need therapy)
But it's time to face the truth,I will never be with you. (Puke)

My Ugly boyfriend

2006-03-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life, you find yourself attracted to the ugliest people, and you have no idea. Okay, it may not happen to everyone, but it definitely happens to me.

For example: I'd like to introduce you to my latest ugly boyfriend, Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley.

That's right, he has a fucking Grammy. However, this is actually a very forgiving photograph of him, and he still looks pretty cruddy, yet sexy.

Here is what he looks like the rest of the time.

Yeah, like I said...I don't understand it, but I just think he is so cute. Maybe I was put on this planet to make sure ugly people get laid. Maybe this is my destiny.

Also, he has this song out with Bobby Brown right now called "Beautiful" and I love it a lot. The only thing is, I absolutely hate dreads and his go down to his fucking ankles. I guess no one is perfect...especially when they start out ugly as fuck.

Paintballing motherfuckas

2006-02-28T13:35:00.001-08:00

This blog entry is sponsered by Flava Flav, who has the most entertaining show on television right now.

I went paintballing on Sunday...ever done that? It was very entertaining. I officially realized I am not a fan of guns be it for real or fun. I played in like, 2 games and then ran out of ammo, so I just sat out the rest of the time. I had more fun watching than playing. I only got shot once and it didn't even hurt so I think I did pretty good. I also was always one of the last ones "alive." It had less to do with skill than the fact I didn't move from the starting point, so everyone had to come to me. I think another part of me was scared for my life. I read the waiver and yeah, you basically sign your life away even if someone that works there gets pissed and hoses you down with real bullets, so I wasn't too keen on getting hurt. That may sound like I'm a wuss, but if you know me and there is any danger associated with a specific activity, I'll be the one that danger befalls. I enjoy my vision, or what is left of it anyway.

Some of the dudes there were WAY into it though. They had strategies, wore full on camo and got super pissed if they got hit. It is weird to watch what happens to men when competition starts running through their veins. WOW.

After I got home I have to admit, I have never enjoyed a shower so much. I was also so tired. Warfare is exhausting.

Our ref was also quite humorous. I made a joke that he probably watched porn that included girls paintballing in bikinis. He was WAY WAY too excited when people got hit and even brought out his own paintball gun, which looked like it got a nice coat of wax nightly.

In short, paintballing is not my deal. I probably won't do it again but hey, I had fun.

Update Extravaganza

2006-02-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well, first off...I saw Dave Chappelle on Sunday, February 19th.

It was an amazing show. A lot of people were pissed I didn't buy them a ticket since the show sold out in like, 10 minutes. Here is what I have to say to them. TOUGH SHIT. I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself when I saw the show announcement and amazingly got through to Ticketmaster before all the tix were gone. I'm selfish and I wanted to see Dave Chappelle. So there.

Also performing that night were Mos Def and Erykah Badu. Mos Def was okay, I was hoping for a little more hip hop and less singing, but whatever. Erykah Badu was amazing, but not exactly a singer who gets people hyped up. I almost fell asleep during her set. She is very talented though.

Dave was hilarious as usual and it was just really cool to see someone I've loved for so long in person. Go DAVE!

In other news, I am leaving in 41 days. I am terrified, excited and my brain hurts from thinking about it so much. I look around my apartment, which gets emptier by the day and cannot believe I am doing this. I hope everything works out down there or I am going to be pissed. This is the biggest risk I've ever taken, so I hope big risks actually do equal big rewards.

I am excited for the sun and the pools though, not like those are exactly the best reasons to completely uproot my entire life, but you gotta start somewhere.

I am just hoping I get a good job...that is all I want. A cool job with benefits OR enough $$ to pay for my own benefits. What can I say? I need my medicines.

I've been watching a lot of "Lost" lately (thank you, Netflix!)

I'm in love with Sawyer.

On the show he portrays a fucking HOTT selfish asshole. Just my type.

Does anyone have any Lost theories?

Listen to me, I'm such a fucking nerd.

Clay Aiken

2006-02-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

I am not a big fan of the Clay man's music. I don't own any of his albums and I think I've heard one song. Despite the fact I think his music is annoying, I don't really think it is important what his sexual preference is.

Apparently, some dude has come out saying he had a "gay sex romp" with Clay Aiken. First, yay for you, dude. Secondly, WHY did you decide to tell the world? Does it matter if Clay is gay or not? No, it doesn't.

NOW, some people are suing Clay for "lying" to them by portraying himself as a straight Christian man and they want the money they plopped out for his albums back. Isn't that kind of frivolous? If Colin Farrell says he is single and I ask him for a date and he turns me down, do I get to sue him?

Maybe Clay is gay...if he is, so what? It freaks me out that another gay guy would be so fucked up as to point his finger at someone else and let them become a part of some witch hunt.

When did pop music get so complicated?

Ahh, memories

2006-02-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

Childhood memories or Why is Sarah the way she is?

2006-02-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

~I remember hating mayonnaise when I was 5 years old and I still hate it.

~I remember thinking that when the sun went down at night that my neighbors were up on the hill pulling it down out of the sky.

~I remember thinking that when someone moved out of their house that they were trading houses with the person who bought theirs.

~I remember being in the car drinking milk one day when I was young and I saw a cop drive by. I instantly started screaming and crying. When my parents asked me what was wrong I said "I'm going to get arrested! I'm drinking and driving!"

~One time I ran ahead of my mom to get home after a walk and charged into the house not knowing that the alarm was set. I didn't know the code, so it ended up going off and the cops came. I walked up to the officer and put my wrists out so he could handcuff me.

~ Back in 4th grade, my best friend Katie's parents gave her a $20 bill to go buy her and I a popsicle from Joe (the popsicle dude) but when we went up to buy it, we decided to spend the entire $20. So we ended up with like, 15 popsicles. Her parents were not happy.

~I kept having migraines when I was 10 so I had to go to Children's Hospital for some tests and had to spend the night. I had been lying in bed all day and wanted to go for a walk, so the nurse took out my IV. As I got up to walk to the door, I noticed my hand felt wet. I looked down and it was covered in blood...like horror movie style. I looked behind me and there was a trail of blood behind me. I started laughing (I was still doped up) and the nurses started panicking.

~My grandparents had a motor home and would occasionally drive up from California to visit us. The day I knew they were going to get there I would sit by the window in my living room and write down every car that came into the neighborhood until they got there. I called it "The Car Game." My dad thought I was nuts.

~My parents bought a stereo that included a little microphone, so anytime my friends came over I made them do news reports on the stereo and I'd tape them. I was always reporting from the Green River because the killings were happening around that time. I always made Katie do the weather. My dad still has the tapes.

~Speaking of the Green River, there was a soda out when I was younger called "Green River" which kind of tasted like Mountain Dew and I refused to drink it because I thought it actually came from the Green River and thus, had had dead bodies floating in it.

Underwear Model Prophet

2006-01-27T15:25:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting dream last night and it revolved around a model. Specifically, a JC Penney underwear model. I guess he could have also been one of those hot actors that plays a doctor in aspirin commercials, but for all intents and purposes, I'll stick with the model description.

In said dream I was involved with this model. His name was Joe and he looked like this dude. Of course, most JC Penney underwear models look just like Joe...which doesn't hurt.
Anywho, I was involved with and perhaps married to Joe and it was wonderful. He always had clean underwear on (which he pointed out on numerous occasions) and his hair was tousled in that deliberate bed-hair kinda way. He was great with our children ( we had a few) and even made Folgers in the morning. Have you ever realized within a dream that you are in fact dreaming? Well, when he drove the kids to school only to run home to get back into bed with me and whisper to me in his Irish accent (apparently neither of us has to work) I kinda caught on....then I woke up.

So, what is the point of this post besides the fact that it kicked ass and I didn't ever want to wake up?

Well, I've decided to hold out of Joe. No guy I have ever met in real life smelled so good or had such nice white underwear. The dimples didn't hurt either.

California, here I come.

2006-01-24T16:10:00.000-08:00

So, it is official. I'm moving to California on April 4th. I plan on trying my best to break into the amazing industry that is entertainment. I wanna write, I wanna produce, I wanna direct. I want an Emmy. I want a tan. I want to be able to go to the ocean on the weekends and have it be warm. Yes, it is going to be fantastic. The only thing that is going to suck dick is the fact I have like, 1 friend down there and we aren't even that close. I'll be living with my cousin Vanessa in Orange, CA (OC baby!) She has a townhouse and an extra room, so yeah, don't mind if I do. At least she and her boyfriend are cool and my aunt and uncle are down there as well. Teej lives like, an hour and a half away...so you better believe I might come down to see you someday.

I'm freaked out and excited. I'm scared to leave all my friends behind but I'm excited to get going on my career goals. I've never branched out on my own this much before. I mean, I went to college alone and had to make friends from scratch, but I think it is easier when you're in college. There are so many people around.

We shall see. Courtney is going to drive down with me and spend a few days hanging out before she heads back up.

2 more months!

Verbal Diarrhea

2006-01-17T15:14:00.001-08:00

(Sorry, need to vent for a minute. However, it is my blog, so I'm not THAT sorry.)

I hate wasting my time on people who suck. Plain and simple. I had this friend, who will never read this, but I'll call him "Hipster" since that seems to be what he aims to be in life.
Hipster and I went to high school together and were very close. We went to concerts all the time and hung out almost every day. Well, after high school we were still pretty close but he moved to Seattle (I still lived in Kirkland) and proceeded to turn into a shadow of who he once was. I don't know why I've bothered trying to be friends with the ass, but for some reason I just didn't want to believe he had actually turned into the person he so vehemently said he hated a few years back.
I cut off communication a while ago because he was being a flake, but he took me out to dinner apologized profusely and said he didn't want to lose our friendship. Well, of course we had plans again a few weeks later and he totally forgot. So, fuck you hipster. Wear scarves, drink your 8ths of Rum every weekend and act like you are the fucking shit cause sooner or later the fact you it took you 5 years to NOT graduate from a 1 1/2 year program will come back to haunt you when you need a liver transplant and have no money.
I wish you well.

Expansion

2006-01-11T11:47:00.001-08:00

My friend Teej, who graces my Myspace Top 8, has created a new collaborative blog with a few other amazingly funny people...(including yours truly).

Check it out!

http://youshouldseethissong.blogspot.com/

The Bachelor in Paris

2006-01-10T13:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the new "Bachelor" show with Courtney. It was amazing. Not "good" amazing, but amazing because we sat there the whole time making fun of all the girls and laughing our asses off. We have talked about taping ourselves watching TV because we think we are hilarious. We just need a camcorder.

One of the scariest girls was this Oncologist (cancer doctor) who kept telling the bachelor that she was ready to start her "reproductive life" with him. She kept using the word "reproduce" like some weird alien in the movie Species. When she got cut at the rose ceremony she actually asked the bachelor what was wrong with him and WHY DIDN'T HE WANT TO REPRODUCE WITH HER? He told her it freaked him out a bit and then she got really pissed and beamed back to her home planet. Actually, she kept asking some production assistant what was wrong with her...same thing.

Anyway, at the beginning, as the bachelor was introduced to all the freaks coming out of the limos, they all said something really cheesy like "Wow! Thanks so much for having me! Your house is beautiful!" (Stupid bitches...it isn't his house!) Then they give him a freaky stare, like they are about to try and stick his whole head in their mouth and move on up the staircase.

Now, it is a good thing that I am not on one of these shows because I honestly wouldn't try to win. I'd just try to get there, make an idiot out of myself and leave.

Here is how it would go if I had been on the show (I'd already be buzzed at this point).

Bachelor: Hi! Nice to meet you! What's your name?
Me: Sarah! It's so nice to meet you. You're fucking HOT!
B: Well, thanks. Are you excited to be here?
M: Hell yeah. (looks at huge chateau) This is going to fucking kick ass!
B: Great! I look forward to talking to you some more. (Goes in for the hug)
M: (also goes in for hug...but grabs some ass) Can't wait.

THEN, I'd get wasted, make fun of all the girls in the room, steal the rose, run around with it and then pass out during the "rose ceremony."

I might not have a chance in hell of winning, but you can fucking bet I'd get the most publicity. I know what good television is and yeah, I'm willing to do what it takes.

2006-01-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

The Reverend Pat Robertson says Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's massive stroke could be God's punishment for giving up Israeli territory. The founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network told viewers of "The 700 Club" that Sharon was "dividing God's land," even though the Bible says doing so invites "God's enmity." Robertson added, "I would say woe to any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course." He noted that former Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated. Robertson said God's message is, "This land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone."

Umm...yeah, Pat? Maybe the fact that you are mentally retarded with a really bad haircut is God's way of saying STOP TALKING FOR ME YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!

This man is the REASON I can't call myself a christian. I won't allow myself to be associated with mental midgets like this dude.

Triumph and Tragedy

2006-01-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

For this entry, I want to discuss an American family that has many talented members and some really UNtalented members. They are beautiful, they are dramatic, they are...The Baldwins.
Each Baldwin brother has been involved in the entertainment industry at some point in time. We have Stephen to thank for Bio-Dome and Usual Suspects, William for Sliver, Alec for Canteen Boy on SNL and finally, big ole Daniel for a drug-induced performance in...well, everything he has ever been in.
I wanna break it down, sibling by sibling.

First, the youngest...Stephen.

Stephen is an interesting character. In the early 90's he was a total doofus who always played the stoned friend in really cheesy comedies. I think his drug dealer made BANK during these days since I really don't think he was acting.
He was in a bunch of other stuff too, but then he disappeared for a while. See that hat he's wearing? YEAH. He is a born-again Christian who not only makes frequent appearances on the 700 Club, but has also started making videos that show extreme sports athletes who spread the gospel as they pull some tubular jumps. It sounds wicked and maybe a little sick too.

Next Up: William Baldwin

Personally, William is my favorite Baldwin. I think he is the most attractive of the bunch and he is also the quietest. He married Chynna Phillips of Wilson Phillips fame back in like, 1995 and while he doesn't act that much, he isn't involved in any VH1 celebreality shows, no crazy custody disputes and I don't think he gives a fuck about extreme sports. This is the dude from SLIVER....despite the plot, I wish I'd been Sharon Stone in that movie. I don't think I'd like the whole voyeurism thing...but I would like to be naked near this man...and get paid for it. Also, in the early 90's, there was a new slang word for a hot guy. They were called "Baldwins" based on the genetic beauty most of the boys in the family possess...but I think it mostly came from Billy's supreme hottness (two T's needed)
Good for you Billy.

Next in line, Daniel Baldwin. I thought he was the oldest, but apparently that is Alec.

God, it must really suck to be the ugly one. This man REALLY tests the whole slang term. However his future might be looking brighter. He's making a movie right now called The Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell. I think I was actually AT that party back in high school. I wonder what his part will be? Maybe the overweight cop who dies of a heart attack after chasing down some teens with firecrackers? Maybe the lifeguard? Of course, who the hell would swim if they knew this guy would be doing the mouth-to mouth? I'd imagine his breath smells like a combination of whiskey, anchovies and cavities.
He was on "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH1 a few seasons ago and showed up drunk/high/overweight THE whole show, which kind of ruins the concept. One time he threatened to walk off the show. Dude, go ahead. What have I seen you on in the last 5 years BESIDES cocaine? Yeah...nobody cares if you show up or not. I was more interested in watching Biz Markie anyway.

Finally, we have the golden child, the first born, the former Mr. Basinger...Alec Baldwin.

Anyone who has seen Alec on SNL knows he is a fantastic comedian as well as a good actor. Canteen Boy with Adam Sandler still makes me laugh til I cry and I've watched it a million times. The only thing that sucks about him is that he has some huge ugly custody battle going on with Basinger and yeah. Yuck.
I wonder if he gives his brothers career advice...cause if he does, I'd like to warn the other Baldwins that he is screwing you over big time. He's saving all the good roles for himself and telling you all to lose weight, find God and all that shit. He has 8 movies coming out this year alone. EIGHT! Non of them involve the words "Hell" "Dome" or "Sliver." He also did a voice in the Spongebob Squarepants movie, which basically means he is a God. Go forth and conquer Alec!

A few days late, but why not?

2005-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

Almost Christmas

2005-12-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

I watched the pilot episode of Beverly Hills 90210 last night...I can not believe that show was so popular. The first episode was the cheesiest thing I have ever seen. The sad part is that when it came out in what, 1990 and I was 10 years old, I thought it was the coolest shit ever. Now I watch it and I see people doing dance routines on the front lawn of West Beverly High and I wonder how they did that without having things thrown at them. Also, they want us to believe that high schools in LA have valet parking? Um...ok?

I just finished all my x-mas shopping and I am so glad THAT is done. I also have money left which is amazing in itself.

The move date is set for March 11th....just hoping everything comes together like it should by that time.

Also, saw Brokeback Mountain....amazing.

Can't Buy Me Love

2005-12-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

First off, I fucking hate the Beatles but the song title was appropriate, so why not.

All I do at my job all day is handle money. Then, I go to my apartment after work and stress that I don't have enough money myself. Blech.

I found out how much I owe to get my tabs renewed. Since the people of Seattle are retarded and voted for a stupid monorail that will never happen, I get to pay a $201 tax on top of every other fee making my grand total for new tabs $387. Umm....what happened to that $30 law? Yeah.
Well, you know what Seattle government, this is for you.

That's right. Take it up the ass.

Sorry, I am obviously in a very bad mood right now and I don't mean to take it out on one of the 2 people who actually read this thing but DAMN....that is a lot of fucking money. I could buy an I-POD with that. The worst part is I am moving in a few months anyway and I won't even be in Seattle. UGH!

On a happier note, I AM moving to LA and I can't fucking wait. I am so ready for a change and while I will indeed miss everyone here, I know in my heart this is what I am supposed to do right now. Besides, my future ex-husband just went into rehab today and I just feel like I should be there for him. hahahahaha.

Cheers

2005-12-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

So I did it. I went to a bar in Kirkland. Yeah, I know...big fucking deal but what you don't know is I haven't gone to a Kirkland bar since I graduated from high school about 6 years ago FOR A REASON. Everyone I hated in high school still goes out to the same three bars in Kirkland every weekend. Yes, I saw some of them. Luckily, they didn't recognize me...not that they paid that much attention to me when I was in school with them anyway, but I don't know what I'd say...actually I do know what I'd LOVE to say.

Girl I hated: Hey Sarah! I haven't seen you in forever. You look great!
Me: You look fat. See you later:)

Ahh...yes.

I'm not bitter, but I would love the opportunity to treat people the way they treated me.

My brain is dead otherwise. I have been dealing with money all fucking day and now I am at a base level of consciousness.

In other news, I guess the date has been set for California. If everything goes as planned, I will be moving down to Cali in March. This all depends on the job situation, the money situation and a bunch of other situations, but I am going to cast out the net that is my resume and hope to get a few bites.

Weekday Update

2005-12-01T14:45:00.000-08:00

It is slower than Corky from "Life Goes On" at work right now. Here are a few events, observations, etc from the past few days.

-I was watching "Dr. 90210" last night and some lady was about to get a boobjob. So, she is getting prepared for it in the actual surgery room and the camera pans from her over to the doctor who is sitting on a stool LIFTING WEIGHTS....who the fuck lifts weights in a operating room? Even better, who KEEPS weights in an operating room. If I went to the doctor and was telling him my problems and he pulled a barbell out of his desk and started doing curls, I'd fucking slap him and walk out. TOOL SHED...that is what the doctor from Dr. 90210 is.

Here is the douchebag himself, who on the website for "Dr. 90210" calls himself " a psychiatrist with a knife." Get over yourself! Besides, do you really want to go see a doctor who has a SAG card?

- I went and picked out new glasses yesterday and I get to pick them up today. They look pretty similar to the ones I have, so hopefully I won't look retarded. I hate picking out glasses because it is a real no-win situation because even if the glasses look cool on you, you still have to wear GLASSES. I wish I was one of those people who could just go out and get glasses for fashion purposes but unfortunately I need glasses because otherwise I can't fucking SEE. I tried to watch TV last night without them for a minute and it was like being in one of those really fucked up scenes from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" where the camera filters are all weird.

-I am officially in love with Netflix. The best part about it is I like really shitty movies and Netflix allows me to rent them without the embarassment of handing them to some pimply 18- year-old who will instantly judge my taste (or lack thereof). Also, ever since I got in a verbal argument with a Blockbuster manager about me NOT wanting to sign up for some stupid promotion and him then telling me I was stupid not to do it....I haven't really had the desire to go there again.

-Finally, it is snowing in Seattle. It really makes me miss Pullman, but ONLY for the snow. I liked walking to class in the snow and then playing in it after I got out. I looked at the Coug Cam today and yep...snow. Ahh...memories. I hope it sticks tonight where everyone important from my job lives so I don't have to go to work tomorrow. This will be the only time I am excited for a 5am phone call.

First and Foremost, I have to thank...

2005-11-29T11:02:00.000-08:00

I have discovered a new pet peeve. It is when singers start doing shout-outs to their homies in the middle of their song. Trey Songz...who is a very talented singer, has a song called "Gotta Go." It is a good song, so you get all sucked in and it sounds like a song that people would listen to while making sweet, sweet love...but then he starts going like "Hey, this one's for stubby up in the 212! What up DAWG!...Kendall, Jasmine and Tanisha...you girls are the shit! I miss you!"

Well guess what Mr. Songz...I don't give a FUCK! That is what liner notes are for. Just sing, look hotter than a bitch and if I care, I'll buy the album and read where you thank your first kiss for changing your life...but until then, just STOP.

Okay, I have a proposal

2005-11-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

Kimberly Stewart Ends 11-Day Engagement

Rod Stewart's socialite daughter Kimberly Stewart has ended her 11-day engagement to reality TV star Talan Torriero, after realizing it was "too soon" to make such a serious commitment after less than two months of dating. The 26-year-old blonde and the 19-year-old Laguna Beach star became Engaged on November 16, with Torriero presenting Kimberly with a five-carat, $300,000 Neil Lane ring, after they began dating in October. However, the couple released a joint statement yesterday, saying, "It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment. It is better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage. The couple continue to share their time together and remain open to whatever the future may hold." Kimberly's representative Eliot Mintz adds, "They remain friends. (They began dating) a relatively short period of time ago. It would be in the category of weeks as opposed to months." The split marks the second broken engagement for Kimberly this year, who ended her long-term romance with musician fiance Cisco Adler in May.

Who wants to get engaged for a few minutes? All you have to do is ask me to marry you, then I'll say yes...then I'll get drunk and call you to tell you I've cheated on you AND THEN you can end the relationship. It'll only take me like, 1/2 hour to get tanked, so we're talking only like a 2 hour commitment on this thing.
Anyone up for it?

Randomness

2005-11-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

Looks like it's time to pull out the 'ole presidential kneepads...

Fuck that, Coretta!

2005-11-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

Courtney had me watch Martin Laurence's "Runteldat" last night and it was fucking hilarious. I was dying...especially when he was talking about Martin Luther King and how nonviolent he was. I couldn't breathe.

So, in the last few days, this is what went down

- Someone stole my car's fuel cap. Yeah, I know...what the fuck? They didn't siphon my gas, they didn't do anything to my car except take my gas cap. Well, shitheads...now I have one that locks so just try me. How ghetto is that? Maybe it was someone from the rehab center across the street or maybe it was some random hippie who collects gas caps (Hippies always collect the dumbest shit).

-I got a haircut

-Sometimes when I'm feeling generous, I'll buy the Seattle homeless newspaper, "Real Change." It costs a buck and homeless people sell them on street corners. Well, I go up to a guy who sells them and say "hey! I'll take one!" I hand him a dollar.
He says "Well, I'm actually selling them for two dollars today because I'm really low on money."
(The newspaper has $1 PRINTED on the fucking cover page. )
I said "It only costs a dollar"
He said "Just keep your $1 then. I need $2" (The whole time this guy is shaking like a junkie)
So I said "Jesus, just keep the dollar" and I walk away.

Why are people so lame?

Some lady called my work today and was wanting food delivered to her because she's wheelchair bound and she wants the food banks to help her out BUT she doesn't eat red meat and she won't eat canned processed food and she prefers fresh vegetables, fruit and fish. Well gee, lady. If food banks could afford to give out THAT kind of grub, I'd be in line right now...fuck working here.

-I had a whole weekend off this last weekend and it was amazing. I did whatever I wanted but STILL I had this fear in the back of my mind that I was missing a work shift or something.

-I watched the movie "James Dean" starring James Franco, who looks JUST LIKE the dude. It was kinda creepy...but still hott as fuck.

RAWR!

-Finally, here are the weirdest pictures I could find today. They are from a Moscow wax art exhibit meant to scare kids away from using drugs.
This one is CRACKED OUT! I hate when I smoke heroin and drool

I want these shirts

2005-11-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

Confession

2005-11-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

After long thought and debate, my friend (who shall remain nameless) and I decided to watch the Enumclaw horse video for purely educational reasons and I have to say..wow. It is exactly like the character in "The 40-year-old Virgin" describes it.

Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah?
Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse. Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.

Couldn't have said it better myself...we tried to figure out what we saw after it was over, but it was just too gross to relive and thus, there was nothing to be said...but we did gag and giggle a lot.

I've got PB & J, a juice box...and some heroin

2005-11-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

Philly Kindergartner Found With Heroin
PHILADELPHIA

A kindergarten teacher found eight bags of heroin in a 5-year-old student's pocket, police said.
The matter was under investigation and the boy's mother could be charged, police Inspector William Colarulo said.
The heroin was discovered Oct. 25. On Tuesday, the school sent a letter home to parents. The letter did not explain why the school waited three weeks to tell parents. It was sent home after a story about the incident aired on WCAU-TV.
Neither the child nor his classmates at Richmond Elementary School were harmed, a schools spokesman said.
"We are shocked and saddened, outraged" that a parent or parents could place a child in such danger, said spokesman Fernando Galliard.
The boy and his three siblings have been turned over to the city's Department of Human Services and placed in temporary custody, spokesman Ted Qualli said. The agency was looking for relatives who could eventually take care of the children.

I wonder what that kindergarten teacher was thinking when he found that shit.

Picture of the day

2005-11-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

Malaise

2005-11-14T15:10:00.001-08:00

blah blah blah
I am so bored. I think my lack of time off has officially rendered me useless. All I wanna do is lay in bed and read. I have been reading a badass book though.

It is called "Goat Brothers" and is the true story of 5 fraternity brothers from UC Berkeley in the '60s who all go different directions in their lives and have interesting stories to tell.

I was supposed to read this book in junior high (even though it is a pretty adult book) for a social history class and I made it about 30 pages in before the teacher who assigned it got put in jail for having an affair with a student. ..yeah. So, because I didn't HAVE to read it anymore, I didn't. I don't know I remembered the book, but I am glad I did because it turns out that it is pretty amazing and does a really good job of setting the scene of the turbulent things going on during that time. I've read 300 pages in the last 3 days, so I've been busy at not being too busy.

What else...I am taking this coming weekend off from both jobs. I'm even taking Friday as a vacation day. I think I might go walk around Greenlake (if it isn't pouring) and try to do some fun things since I haven't had a real weekend since September. This means I've had about 7 days off total since I started working at KIRO again..yuck. It makes me want to take drugs just thinking about it.

I've been using this Retin-A stuff on my face recently to try and get rid of this horrid adult onset acne I've been having and it makes it look like my face is coming off...almost as if I have herpes of the face. Not attractive.
Is there any REAL winner in the fight against acne? I'm beginning to think NOT.

I'm getting more anxious to go on my trip to LA...I should start a countdown. 59 days until LA. Lord, that is far too long. I haven't been ANYWHERE but Sequim since April. Ugh.

What's Happening / Election Night

2005-11-09T16:07:00.000-08:00

First off, "What's Happening!!" is now on the TV Land channel. Watch it cause it is bad-ass. I was feeling like shit and the remote wasn't within reach of my fat ass, so I ended up watching part of the marathon they had going on this last weekend. I liked it...I laughed a lot and to top it off, The DOOBIE BROTHERS were on the first episode I watched. Ever since I met and fell in love with the man we call Michael McDonald, I have had a thing for his old group. Yes, I met him. I have the picture to prove it, but not a scanner. If I had a scanner, we'd all be in trouble.

Anyway, watch one episode if you get a chance. It is pretty good.

Last night was election night and I, retardedly, volunteered to help out at KIRO. It was crazy. We had to manually enter all the raw vote numbers into this computer. So me and my partner-in-crime, Erika, were half way through the King County #s (and King County is FUCKING HUGE) when every computer in the room went dead. Seriously. I thought that shit only happened in movies like PCU, but here we were, in the beginning of sweeps, in competition with the other local stations, and all our work was lost. The computer guy was FLIPPING OUT. I have never heard the word "Fuck" used that creatively in some time. We finally got it going again at 9p and by 10p we finished re-inputting all the data...that is when the comp. dude tells us to start over and update all the numbers and THAT is when I got up and left. A 13 hour workday is my limit. Peace out dudes.

I'm sure we didn't do well last night because the other stations announced things before us, but oh well. I couldn't see straight anymore and my bed was getting lonely for me.

In other news...

I got a phone call from a radio station where I applied for a job about 7 months ago. They wanted to offer me a board operator shift from Midnight-6am 4 nights a week...ummm...yeah, I did that when I was younger and stupid enough to think $8.50 an hour was rad. Try again.

I'm going to Cali in January to see my cousins. So excited for a vacation. Maybe I'll finally get to offer up my womb to my future baby's daddy Colin Farrell. Although, I don't think I want to share Colin with THIS dude..

Hmmm...nevermind...I would totally share Colin with this guy. The only thing better than one dad is two!

Smoking Ban

2005-11-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

So, a smoking ban was passed in the elections last night and I got excited for a second thinking "Yay, I can go to a bar and NOT want to pass out and die from cigarette fumes!" Then I realized that most of my friends smoke and will be all standing outside half the night with EVERYONE ELSE in the bar while I am sitting inside, smoke-free, but alone.

In short

2005-11-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

I thought it was going to be a good day today when I started off high as a kite on Nitrous @ ye old dentist office, but no. I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed today so I am putting myself in a self-imposed "corner" tonight until I can play well with others again. This will in actuality end up with me in my pajamas watching TV and playing Snood until I have an aneurysm.

I even went to bed early last night. Damnit!

2005-11-03T16:12:00.000-08:00

Here are a few more pictures that exemplify why men should not wear scarves...unless you are gay. If you are gay, go ahead...you don't NEED to be found attractive by women.
There are no words...

SCARVES!

2005-11-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

(In the tradition of thinking for someone else, a la Teej's Jim Rome episode, I will attempt to get into the mind of a group of people that make me crazy...men who wear scarves. Enjoy!)

WHAT THIS DUDE WAS THINKING AS HE WAS PUTTING ON HIS SCARF

Man, I am SOO getting laid tonight. I just got this new Wet 'n' Wild eye liner, I got my student loan today so I can totally buy beer AND I've got this kickass scarf I found in my mom's old chest. It looks like something Arafat would've worn on his head, at least I think so...which makes it not just cool, but like a political statement. Wow, I am going to get so much attention tonight.

I wonder when the new Dashboard album comes out...god I love that band...I also love Conor from Bright Eyes...not THAT guy is fucking emo. I mean, I bet he is so emo that he doesn't even KNOW he's emo anymore. I wish I was emo like that.

Wait, how should I wear this scarf? I mean, I want to look like I drink a lot of black coffee and read Poe in my spare time, but I DO NOT want to look gay. I hope no guys hit on me, but then, maybe that should be my deal...maybe I should be kind of asexual like Morrissey...do you think carrying a flower with me everywhere would be overkill? Duh man, what the fuck are you thinking.

So yeah, should I wrap it around my neck until there is nothing left, should I just let it hang from my neck or should I do that half knot thingy? It might be cool to do the wrappy thing cause then I could pretend I'm hiding a hickey...god I wish I actually had a hickey. Maybe Danica, that hot ass girl from Starbucks will be at the concert tonight and we can give each other hickeys. That would be bomb. Yeah, but I think that Danica girl is dating her coworker cause they are always talking and flirting and she is ALWAYS playing with her hair. That can't be good for the coffee. If I find one of Danica's hairs in my coffee, well, I'm telling the manager. I wanna find out if she is single first cause I don't want a girlfriend who doesn't have a job.

Am I even secure enough in my manhood to wear a scarf? What if someone makes fun of me? Should I punch them in the face or should I cry a single tear and tell the person closest to me that I am distraught at how cruel the world is? I just don't know. If Danica is there, I'll cry. If not, I'll fucking pull my scarf off and bash the guy into the ground and I'll scream "Wearing a scarf doesn't make me a pussy...bitch!

Yeah.

Gym Anxiety

2005-11-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry, Teej, but I laughed when I saw this.
Anywho, I want to join a gym in the next few months so that I can become the amazingly svelte vixen that is currently hiding beneath my current roundness and after reading class descriptions, looking at the pictures and basically browsing the sites, I got really anxious.

I hate gyms. In fact, I hate everything about them. The people who work at them, the smell, the overexcitedness of the personal trainers who are high on whey protein. Yuck.

I have no legs, I have no legs

2005-11-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

By far, KIDS is the most upsetting movie I've seen and because of it, I am never ever having sex...with boys named Telly who talk like they are retarded. Phew...that was a big decision for me.

Also, when did my taste in guys officially start to suck some major dick? I have come to the conclusion that I do not, in fact, have any taste in men AT ALL. I'm like the f'ing dollar store for losers, there are tons of them, no one wants them, but for some reason, I take pity on them... or at least the alcohol I drink makes me pity them. DAMNIT!

Okay, Brand. Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.

2005-10-31T16:16:00.000-08:00

No real reason for this picture or the quote, I just felt like putting it here.

Today sucked ass. I got a freaking evil email from this person I work with in which she accused me of sending a "confrontational " email to one of the people she supervises. I did no such thing, I just wrote a professional email asking him to remember to do something that any person would probably understand the importance of without being told. I think it has all blown over now but I'm still irked.

I am proud of myself though because usually when people act like that towards me I end up saying harsh shit I don't mean. Well, not this time. I was also told it might be a good idea to give some sort of apology for the confusion, but fuck that...I didn't do anything wrong. So, kiss my f'ing grits people.

On a much happier note, I am going to go down to Cali in January to see my cousins and hopefully Jesse. It should be fun. No, it WILL be fun, cause damnit, I need a vacation.

This weekend was fun. Had a scandalous night at a Halloween party. If you want details, and we all know how much I LOVE to give details, ask me. If you know me well enough, I'll fill you in. If I work with you, don't count on it. Actually, besides Teej, who never answers his phone and or never calls me (umm...hello? Phone friend?) you all know already cause I probably called at least one of you while it was happening and I know two people witnessed some of it.
Cryptic enough for you?

I also got to go see Amee's baby who scared me since she still hasn't gotten full neck control and will at one moment seem stable and the next second her head will slam into my chest. VERY ADORABLE (gotta get some ass kissing in). Ate some amazing Bahama Breeze cuisine and gossiped. It was great. I then went and watched six episodes of "Freaks and Geeks."

Finally, and I bet I'm probably the only person who does this (or at least will admit to it) I went into my bathroom (where one of my stereos is) turned off the lights and listened to George Michael REALLY LOUD...just cause I needed to hear some George Michael. I sang too, which my downstairs neighbors probably hate, but then they play Spanish polka music at all hours anyway. Michael and I had a good sing-a-long and I went to bed. It really is too bad the dude is gay and way kinda puffy-looking now. I totally would have done him circa "Father Figure."

if you have some time to waste as I obviously do, go to http://www.celebheights.com
Nice.

The ZMC

2005-10-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

The date last night went WAY better than the previous one. Guy was cute, no awkward silences, good conversation, food and coffee. I would totally go again if he asked. The only thing that is annoying is I have a certain quality I have seen in a few guys in the past, but haven't seen in a while. It is something I refer to as the "ZMC." Zach Morris Charisma. Yes, it is a Saved by the Bell reference, but I think many girls can relate to it (only because when I've told my friends about it, they've understood). I feel like the name itself kind of explains the concept, but if not, Zach Morris was the kind of guy who had tons of personality, wasn't afraid to make an idiot out of himself and was nice to everyone...even Screech. People wanted to be around him. He had charisma. He could people on his side about ANYTHING.
Now, I know Hitler had charisma too, but I'm not necessary looking for that much power. I just want to meet a dude who can start a conversation, can keep up with my pop culture references (a failure last night) and someone who has actually lived a little. I have plenty of stories. I want to hear someone else's crazy shit.

YAY!

2005-10-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

Because I'm working late tonight, I get Friday off. YAY! Now I just have to find something to do so I'm not wasting my time.

Also, a lady just called the food bank and said "Hi, I'd like to schedule a mammogram!" It made me kind of sad.

Chippendales...BOOYAH!

2005-10-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

(This guy, Matt, was kind of a perv. Told my friend he thought her "boobies" looked good. )

So last night was Chippendales night. Courtney and I headed down to the 'Shoot (Muckleshoot Casino) and Courtney immediately sat down at a Roulette table and won $300. That girl has all the fucking luck, I swear. I only brought $50 and retardedly widdled it away at the penny slots. While we were at the Roulette table, we met a girl who we'll call Samantha (basically cause that's her name). Samantha seemed normal at first, but as the night wore on a very different picture was painted.
Anyway, we invited Samantha to go to the show with us and in we went. Apparently, Samantha was supposed to get off work on go home to her boyfriend and her kid, but she called him, told him she was going to see the Chippendales, he freaked out and she decided to stay.

The show was AWESOME. I immediately picked out a blond guy named Charlie, who, in my drunken stupor, I nicknamed Blondie. Yeah, I'm retarded.
I gave that boy at least 15 bucks.
As the show wore on, we all got drunk thanks to Courtney spending her winnings on alcohol.
Of course, Courtney being who she is, half the guys in the show wanted to talk to her and gave us the name of their hotel. So, after we went and got pictures with the guys, went back to the Roulette Table (where I won $125) and realized Samantha has a gambling problem, we headed out to the hotel.

Armed with only one of the guy's names, we made it up to his hotel room and we hung out. I, of course, ran into Charlie and talked to him for about a half hour. He was nice, but dumb as a fucking rock. He also had a girlfriend, who I feel sorry for. Samantha, who had been freaking out all night about wanting to see this guy Brian, and who pissed off everyone by screaming his name all night, turned to me while I was talking to Charlie and goes "So, is this the one you wanted to fuck? Umm....thanks bitch.

I finally got away at 1:30am cause I had to go home and Ms. Samantha asked if I'd drive her home (umm...NO!) and I finally got home at 2am...It was an amazing night and tonight should be interesting since I have a date. No joke. Two dates in a 2 month period...this is a record (sadly)
Alright, more later, I'm sure.

Ode to Tice

2005-10-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

(This is actually Tom Ford...but Tice looks just like him)

This post is dedicated to the only 40-something non-famous guy I would DO in a single heartbeat. His name? Steven Tice. His profession?... not totally sure. His appeal? Only that he is perhaps the exact physical representation of everything I want in a man.

Let me bring you up to speed. My friend Jen and I worked at a video store while I was in high school. It was a little independent store in Kirkland and really, it kicked ass. We got paid to sit around, watch movies and bullshit with our customers.

We had a few cute customers, non of which we called by their real names. There was Mr. Tice (who we sadly referred to at times as EnTice), Seattle Guy, Hot Boyfriend of Gay Guy...the list goes on and on.

None could really get to Tice's level though. Let me describe him. He had to be in his late 30's early 40's, he had amazing blue eyes, a smile that can melt underwear and a radio voice. He was built like a construction worker, and had the GREATEST ASS in the history of my life. Oh yeah, and he was sweet as shit. Case in point, he and his girlfriend (grr) came in and rented two copies of the same movie so they could watch it over the phone together since they both had shit they needed to do at their respective homes that night. AHHHHHHH....in fact, I think that is exactly the noise that came out of our mouths when we beared witness to this event.

So anyway, one night I was working alone, watching George Michael's video DVD in the store. Just as the song "A Different Corner" came on, in walks Tice...the song starts off kinda slow and dreamy, like the music you'd expect to hear if you were bouncing around on clouds. So in walks Tice, in slo-mo (I swear to God) and he walks right up to the desk and smiles. If ever there was a mental postcard, this was it. Granted, all he wanted was a video he'd put on hold, but I was ready to give him my innocence.

The video store has since closed, a victim of Blockbuster's freaking monopoly, but I'll always have my memories.

Tice was amazing and I haven't seen him around since I literally ran right into him at QFC in Kirkland about 2 years ago. If I saw him today, I'd run into him on purpose AND I'd cop a feel.

WOW

2005-10-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

These girls look pretty harmless, right? GUESS AGAIN!

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=1231684&page=1

Human Nature

2005-10-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

Whenever I have no original titles, I just name these things after whatever I am listening to at the moment and yes, Mr. Jackson is crooning to me as I type this.

I know I haven't updated in a day or so but that is because I was in a horrid mood and wanted to keep this thing quasi PG13 rated. I rented a boring, dumb movie last night, which didn't help things either. It is called "The Shape of Things" starring the hott actor Paul Rudd and ended up sucking dick. I guess it is based on a play and yeah, you could tell. It was very wordy, and not in a good way. I like Kevin Smith wordiness..not some holier than thou playwright wordy.

Anyway, it sucked and I didn't watch the whole thing. Since I have nothing super exciting to say, read this. It is hilarious and written by Michael Ian Black of WHAS fame.

WHAT I WOULD BE THINKING ABOUT IF I WERE BILLY JOEL DRIVING TOWARD A HOLIDAY PARTY WHERE I KNEW THERE WAS GOING TO BE A PIANO.
BY MICHAEL IAN BLACK
- - - -
I'm not doing it. I'm just not. I know I say the same thing every year, but this time I mean it—I am not playing it this year. Seriously, how many times can I possibly be expected to play that stupid song? I bet if you counted the number of times I've played it over the years, it probably adds up to, like, a jillion. I'm not even exaggerating. One jillion times. Well, not this year.
This year, I'm just going to say, "Sorry, folks, I'm only playing holiday songs tonight." Yeah, that's a good plan. That's definitely what I'm going to do, and if they don't like it, tough cookies. It'll just be tough cookies for them.

But I know exactly what'll happen. I'll sit down, play a few holiday songs, and then some drunk jerk will yell out, "'Piano Man,'" and everybody will start clapping, and I'll look like a real asshole if I don't play it.

I wonder if they'll have shrimp cocktail.

Now that I think of it, it's always Bob Schimke who yells out, "'Piano Man.'" He does it every year. He gets a couple of Scotches in that fat gut of his, and then it's, "Hey, Billy, play 'Piano Man'!" That guy is such a dick. He thinks he's such a big shot because he manages that stupid hedge fund. Big deal. He thinks because he used to play quarterback for Amherst that everybody should give a shit. I don't. Who cares about you and your stupid hedge fund, Bob? That's what I should say to him this year. I really should. I should just march right up to him and say, "Who cares about your stupid hedge fund, you dick?" Let's just see what Mr. Quarterback has to say about that. And I know he made a pass at Christie that time. She probably liked it—that's probably why she denied it even happened.

I'm such a loser.

Why do I even go to these parties? I mean, honestly, how many times do I need to see Trish and Steve and Lily and that creepy doctor husband of hers and all their rich Long Island friends? Although that Greenstein girl is nice. Maybe she'll be there. What's her name—Alison?
What if Alison asks me to play "Piano Man"? Then what? I've got to stick to my guns, that's what. I'll simply say, "Some other time." Yeah, that's good. Kind of like we're making a date or something. And then at the end of the night when we're all getting our coats, I'll turn to her and say something like, "So when do you want to get together and hear 'Piano Man'?" Oh man, that's really good. That's so smooth. After all, how is she going to say no? She's the one who asked to hear it in the first place! Oh man, Billy, that is just perfect.

Maybe she'll say something like, "How about right now?" Yeah. And maybe we'll leave together. I can drive her back to my place and I can play her the stupid song and then maybe we'll do it. I'd really like to do it with that Greenstein girl. How awesome would that be? Me leaving with Alison on my arm and Bob's big fat stupid face watching us go. That would be too rich. I'd be real nonchalant about it, too—"See you later, Bob."

Who am I kidding? She'd never go out with me. She was dating that actor for a while. What's his name? Benicio? What kind of name is Benicio? A stupid name, that's what kind. Hi, I'm Benicio. I'm so cool. I'm sooooo cool. I should start going by Billicio. I'm Billicio Del Joelio. I play pianolo.
Sing us a song, you're the piano man ...
Oh great. Now it's in my head. Perfect. Now I have to walk around that stupid party with that stupid song stuck in my head all night.

Amherst sucks at football.

You know what I should do? I should just turn this car around and go home. Just pick up the phone and call them and tell them I ate some bad fish or something. Yeah, that's what I should do. This party's going to suck anyway. By the time I get there, all the shrimp cocktail will probably be gone anyway.

What am I going to do? Go through my entire life avoiding situations where somebody might ask me to play a song? I can't do that. No, Billy, you've just got to grow yourself a sack and take care of business. And if that loudmouth Bob Schimke requests "Piano Man," I just need to look him in the eye and tell him I'd be happy to play it for him just as soon as he goes ahead and fucks himself.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to play it. I always play it. Probably the only reason half the people at that party even show up is to hear me play "Piano Man." They probably don't even like me. Not really. They just want to tell all their friends that Billy came and played "Piano Man." Again. Like I'm the loser who's dying to play it. Whatever.

Fine. I'll do it, but not because they want me to, but because I want me to. I'm not even going to wait for them to ask. I'm going to march right in there and play the song and that'll be that. I'm not even going to take off my coat first. Yeah. Let's see what Bob has to say about that. I might even play it twice.

Worth a browse

2005-10-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

Harriet Miers has a blog? (funny shit)

http://harrietmiers.blogspot.com/

Family Matters

2005-10-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Just some snippets:

I saw the beginning of a Family Matters episode the other day, watched it for 5 minutes and realized that even after not seeing it for over 10 years, it still isn't very funny to me.

I do enjoy the cereal box art though, so I had to include it. I wonder if anyone actually ate this shit. It looks like Fruit Loops today and those things taste like cavities.

I think I may have another date coming up. I know, I go on one and now I'm hooked. Of course, this one is with someone I DON'T work with, so that'll be even better. More details as I get them.

I worked 11.5 hours yesterday since a girl at KIRO was sick and that sucked. The news was all weird too because apparently a Seahawk player got beaten up and then one of the suspects was found murdered on a street corner later that night? Sounds like some CSI shit to me.

I've been listening to India Arie all day and that girl can sing. I love it. I wish I could sing like that...and be a neo-classical soul artist who everyone loved.

I went and saw my high school friend's baby on Sunday. I don't know...not sure I'm a big fan of the babies. In fact, I don't enjoy them at all. I like them when they are like, 8 months old. Then they can't talk or walk but they make those adorable gurgling noises. That is cute, but ONLY if I can hand them back to the parents. I don't think I have any maternal instinct at all...unless that instinct includes ditching babies with someone else when they annoy you.

Didn't think so.

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right, just beat it.

2005-10-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

It is 10:30 on a Saturday night and I am at work. None of the people in the picture above are here. I just felt like putting it there.

I had to get new tires today and it cost me $500. That is more than I'd spend on my own funeral. I hate spending that much money in one place pretty much because $500 is my savings. Yuck Yuck Yuck. I also was a genius and bought a pair of jeans for $60. Oh, and I am wearing jeans with a belt, and the BELT keeps falling off. How the hell does that work?

I think the Cougars lost today...damnit. Can we ever win? Can we just win the Apple Cup? I have a few bets on that game and I NEED US TO WIN. I don't want to hear people say we "couged it." I fucking hate that phrase. The person who thought that up should be hogtied and forced to watch hours of Husky losses.

My batteries in my walkman just died. Why does everything fail to work for me?

I watched Louis Farrakan's speech today and although he hates me cause I'm the white devil, I agreed with a bunch of what he said. I think I wanna buy a bowtie.

So Amazing

2005-10-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

This shirt is genius. It reminds me of the comedy David Cross does. When I saw David at Bumbershoot a few years ago and he sang a song about skull-fucking babies. Totally messed up, but I laughed. I'll save a seat in HELL for you all.

I was sick yesterday, which sucked. I was about to walk out the door to work and it felt like I was on the stupid carnival ride where you're in that boat that swings back and forth..yeah, not pleasant. So, I prayed to the porcelain god and went back to bed until 1pm. I watched some Maury Povich and decided that if someone wanted to reveal a secret crush to me on his show, I would not go. All the guys who have had crushes on me in the past have been lazy-eyed psychos and yeah. So, if you secretly love me, don't call Maury....end of story.

Another sign I was sick as shit yesterday, I saw a Dave Matthews video and I thought he was super hot. What the hell is wrong with me?

When Dentists Attack

2005-10-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

I fucking HATE going to the dentist and today was no exception. The dental assistant accused me of not brushing my teeth...EVER and when the actual dentist came and asked me how my teeth were and I said "Fine, I guess" the assistant let out a sarcastic Pssht! sound...Bitch.
So while she berated me, she made me bleed from the depths of my mouth. This makes it sound like I have the teeth of a backwoods hick, and I don't.

After I left I fought the urge to go find some Bellevue heroin to numb the pain. I did pass by a church with a board that had a quote on it and it was attributed to "Shakesphere." Good to know people are getting a good education in the Christian community.

I got my CDs from BMG today....yay! Seven CDs for $20. Now all I have to do is buy one more and I get 4 more. I can't stand it. I might buy my one next time I get paid just cause I love getting shit for free, well...kinda free.

What else...I'm going to see "The Killers" tonight with my friend Matt (or Matticus as I lovingly call him). Free ticket, so it'll be fun. I hope they don't suck live.

Red-headed stepchild

2005-10-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

Oh.My.Lord. "Breaking Bonaduce" last night was insane. You need to watch this show as it is GUARANTEED to make you feel like the most emotionally stable person in the world.

I mean, shit, I was having a so-so weekend, wasn't feeling well physically, was mentally in the dumps and then I watched this show. After seeing Danny ruin his wife's b-day party, bitch out every crewmember on the show for allowing her to get strippers, get arrested, attempt suicide and then accuse his therapist of doing some kind of voodoo on his wife...I felt like a poster child for good mental health.

On the next episode he goes to rehab (again). Thank god. We need him to live so there can be more seasons of this show. Selfish, yes but I have never seen anyone so hell-bent on self-destruction in my life.

The other funny thing about it is Danny actually reminds me of a dude I went to college with who was just a really odd character who was very insecure, had a bad temper and never stopped talking about how he slept with his mom's friend (umm...ew?) He also had red hair. Everyone from WSU knows who I'm talking about, so no name is needed.

I went to a party with Courtney on Friday night that kicked ass. We met this super hot dude who let us stay at his place since we were both blitzed and bought us breakfast in the morning. The funny thing is that the night we met him, there was a girl there who was flirting with him in a way that should be restricted to shows like "Blind Date" or "Elimidate." The girl kept winking like she honestly had a nervous tic, gave him her phone number with a heart drawn next to her name and kept running her finger down his chest when she talked to him. Eventually she left, still winking like a maniac, and me and the dude, Justin, started laughing our asses off. I was just glad he wasn't actually into it cause otherwise, I would have lost whatever faith I have left in the male gender.

So yeah, Justin let Courtney and I sleep in his bed and in the morning we watched Zoolander and he bought us breakfast...so that is the second week in a row we've woken up in a dude we barely know's place and had breakfast bought for us. I could get used to this schedule of events.

I worked on Saturday and was informed by Gaard Swanson that after I told him about sex occurring on the couch in his office, he promptly had it removed. HAHAAHA.

It's been one of those weeks...

2005-10-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

Let's do some VanDamage!

2005-10-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Is he in some kind of Asian brothel?
I'm speechless.

Rest In Peace, G.P.

2005-10-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

Today is a day of overwhelming tragedy... a day I knew would come eventually, but God how I wish it could have happened later on. Today is the day I have to bid farewell to a piece of my own history... something that has been with me since my senior year in high school, has seen me through my years at college, a few interesting one night stands and these, my turbulent first years in the real world.

Yes, I am talking about my favorite green pants (G.P.)

It seemed like an ordinary day when I slipped them on this morning, ready for another day of sitting peacefully in my desk chair. That is, until I looked in the mirror at work. To my horror I saw some alien markings on them....GREASE STAINS! Some on the legs, some on the butt. While I wish there was some way to exorcise these from my beloved, I fear these pants are way beyond the reaches of any stain remover.

A ceremony will be held later today at my apartment where I will grieve, but most importantly, remember the good times G.P. and I had together over these last 6 years. I will then bury G.P. in the huge garbage bin at my apartment to be taken to used pants heaven, or more crudely, the dump.

I'll pore a cold one out for you, homie.

Sneezy, Breezy, Beautiful

2005-10-05T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have been sneezing all f'ing day. Also my ears itch and I want to shove my foot up someone in particular's butt right now but fear she'd use it to perfect her acting "craft." Also, I HATE it when people call acting a craft and use it like "I just want to work on my craft." As the valley girls used to say, gag me with a spoon.

I don't know if anyone else say the massively rad police chase that happened in the Bothell-Kirkland area last night, but I used to live right by where the dude ended up being arrested. I felt like such a dude cause once I turned the TV on and saw what was happened, I was hypnotized by it. I was just waiting for someone to get hit in Kirkland since it is so pedestrian friendly.

Also, Watch Nip/Tuck. It is , in my opinion, one of the best shows on TV right now. I made my friend Rich watch it last night and while he bitched about how dumb it was at the beginning, he liked it by the end.

Tonight I am going to hang out with my friend Misty and her newly walking daughter Jessica. She is almost to the age where my ability to deal with children ends aka whenever they learn the word "no." We'll see how it goes.

I have to work tomorrow night late.

GAH!

2005-10-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

This has been a mucho frustrating day. GRRRRRRRRR. I'm gonna go home and punch a pillow...maybe sing some Three 6 Mafia or some HOLE. Hole is always good for when you are about to have a Tourettic fit.

I went to camp so long ago that f'ing Jesus Christ was my counselor!

2005-10-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

<----First of all, go see this movie. I haven't seen it yet, but I know it will be brilliant based on the fact it is written by the same person who wrote "Wet Hot American Summer." Also, it has a lot of the same cast. It will be hilarious. If it isn't, feel free to throw popcorn at me. Also, the title of this post is from "Wet Hot..." Amazing.

This weekend was interesting. I hung with my mom on Friday, and Saturday I worked at KIRO until 11:30p. I then went to the "Aristocrat" club with Courtney and Yvonne and hung out with the Sonics. Yes, the Seattle Sonics.. I didn't know who they were but I did know they played basketball just cause they were ginormous. I tolds one dude I liked his shirt (it had a pic of Redd Foxx on it. He thought I was trying to talk to him because he was a b-ballplayer, but I really had no idea who he was. I think his last name was Wilkins? Whatever. I then met Mateen Cleaves, who was cool and Rashard Lewis bought me a drink. They all want Courtney, but fuck...I'll take the free drinks.

Sunday, I recovered and my friend Simon came into town for a job interview. He is staying at my place tonight too. I have no idea what we are going to do. Maybe watch some COPS. I dunno. I'm not that exciting, especially when I'm BROKE.

On a totally different note, I went on a walk around my neighborhood with my mom and we walked by St James Cathedral. It is a really beautiful building and Conan O'Brien got married there ( my interesting trivia for the day).
I started thinking about how it might be cool to go to one of the services there just to see what it is like but then I stopped and realized I couldn't do it. I didn't realize until that moment how much I disagree with what the Catholic church believes in. I could never go somewhere and hang out with people who believe that gays are an abomination and who want abortion banned. I know that there is more to religion than all that, but I just couldn't go because I feel like I'd be condoning those ideas and I don't.
Not that anyone cares...I just wanted to write that down.
Also, has anyone else been watching "Breaking Bonaduce" on VH1? It is postively RIVETING.

Why are people intentionally retarded?

2005-09-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sure at least some of you have heard what Big Boy Bennett said on the radio recently. If not, he said that crime rates would go down or

"But I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down."

What the fuck?

Yeah, that is all I have to say. That and my mom is over tonight and is making me dinner. I have to work Saturday and then my main man Simon Bowers (Carson Daly's cousin) is staying with me on Sunday and Monday. Woohoo! If I'm lucky, maybe we'll get to spoon. I doubt it though. He has a "girlfriend." Also, I'm totally kidding.

Funny pictures for shits and giggles

2005-09-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

This is Ashlee Simpson after she was proven to be a talentless hack on SNL. My friend Courtney and I refer to the little dance she did as "The Fuck-up Jig." Now, whenever one of us says or does something stupid, we have to do the little dance.
I'm also so pissed that my brother isn't famous because if he was, then I'd be famous by default and be given opportunities, like recording an album even though I sound like a pigeon in heat when I sing.

This is probably the ugliest shirt known to mankind. If you can't tell, it is a Bob Marley shirt with fake dreads hanging off it. Also, this kid looks like one of the living dead and is definitely in need of some fresh flesh. Check out those undereye circles...Can we say cucumber masque? Yeah, we probably can't. Also, not sure if this dude knows it, but he isn't Jamaican. Yeah, sorry to ruin for ya dude.

Yes, this is MUST be one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. Stephen Baldwin praising Jesus on TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network). I saw it with my own eyes. Like I said in my Myspace blog...there is every reason to want to repent for making films such as Threesome, Bio-Dome, and The Flintstones, there is no need to be so desperate as to appear on a channel that uses guilt to get control of the bank accounts of ill senior citizens.

And finally, while I am on the topic of Jesus...

No further comment needed.

Irresistable Delicious

2005-09-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

So, on the last Monday and Friday of the month the food bank gives out meat and because of this, we get a security guard to watch out for us on those two days. I guess hungry people get crazy on those days. Imagine wild animals fighting to get a bite of a recent kill.
ANyway, the point of my story is this: The security guard here today is HOTT(double t needed). I saw him and smiled like an idiot, cause that is how I roll.

He started talking to me (mutual attraction? probably not). I guess he drove down from Bellingham to work here today and he usually works as a cop in Bellingham. That is quite a commute.

On a totally unrelated note, I wached "Dog: Bounty Hunter" for the first time last night and I think I am hooked. The dude looks like Patrick Swayze in "Roadhouse" and I couldn't stop laughing.

That is all I have to report as of now, but stayed tuned.

How do I love KIRO-TV? Let me count the ways...

2005-09-26T14:20:00.000-07:00

<---I love this picture.

Anyway, I worked at KIRO all weekend and I must say, I didn't realize how much I actually missed it until I went back. I fell right back into the routine and it was great to see all my people again. It is also super flattering that they called me instead of someone else. I don't know why my boss there likes me so much. Maybe it is because I shed a few tears when I gave my notice back in June.

But yeah, I worked Saturday and Sunday 4-7p and 10-11:30p. I actually like the late shift better because it is only a half hour show and I get to do it by myself, so I don't have anyone messing up my script system.

I was sad I didn't get to see my good ole pal Gaard Swanson, but his replacement for the evening was kind of cute. I thought he was way cuter until he walked up next to me and I realized he is only like 5'4. What is up with that? Almost every celebrity I've ever seen in person is a midget and TV people are always tiny. The weather guy, Andy Wappler, can't be more than 5'3. The first time I saw him I was like "Wow, he is one tiny bitch." Luckily, he didn't hear me because his ego is the only thing big about him.

The other part of KIRO that I like is that I have every single news detail at my fingertips. Everything about a story that isn't aired is on the computer so I know details of shit before anyone else does. I love it. I also like that I get paid to become more informed on local news. So Teej, I am super jealous of your job. But yeah, come to Seattle if you can. I wanna give you a Pyrex toast.

I picked up Courtney at the airport at 2A this morning and was awed by her weekend. She hung with Nelly all weekend, saw Paris Hilton and got free meals/drinks/gambling the whole time. Next time I am going with her. End of story. I want to have some of these stories to tell.

Alright, time to get back to work.

Your singing satellite

2005-09-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day and thus, there will be no more talk of yesterday.

After work I am going to give blood at ye ole blood bank, which is only 3 blocks from work. I swear, I live by everything. 2 hospitals, a rehab center, a blood bank, 3 Starbucks and like, 5 banks. I'm also only about 6 blocks from downtown Seattle. Not bad at all.

There is still one thing about giving blood that irks me and that is, they won't let gay men give blood. This is despite the fact they do HIV tests on all the blood they take in. Anyone could have it, not just gay people...I think that whole mindset went out the window in the early/mid-nineties, or whenever Magic Johnson came out. It pisses me off. However, giving blood is the only community service I don't mind doing because I hate kids, old people make me uncomfortable, and the less fortunate are around me all day. I actually saw this hilarious show where a girl got physically ill whenever she got around old people. I can't wait to make people physically ill just by existing. Maybe I already do.

KIRO-TV has asked me to come back and work part-time through November, so I think I am going to do it. I miss the hustle and bustle and I also miss bothering Monty, the weatherman and the sound guy Steve, who I affectionately refer to as Switchblade, since one day he tried to convince me he was in a biker gang. Not so much, the dude looks like Lurch from the Addams Family. I'm not excited to see Ethan cause he is a dick, but everyone knows he had an affair with one of the girls I worked with, so haha to him. What a loser. That is what you get for screwing in your f'ing VW bus in front of the station. What a kodak moment that would have been.

So yeah, excitement everywhere. I've been listening to this techno song called "Satellite" by Oceanlab all day. I have to admit it. I listen to C89.5 like it is going out of style. I should have been a gay man.

This is why I miss Jesse. He was my personal DJ and he played good shit too. All I have now are the 6 or so cds he burned me before I left and I've listened to them all like 1000 times.
Come back Jesse.

The date

2005-09-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

By popular demand, here is the outcome of the date, in short but simple terms.

-Showed up, date was on 3rd rum and coke, had about 4 more before we left. I had 2 gin and tonics...my limit before I no longer understand or speak fluent English.
-After the first 15 minutes, I realized that despite him being a very nice guy, I have absolutely NOTHING in common with him.
-He loves country music. Sadly, this is a big part of the dealbreaker. Go ahead and think that is really shallow, but a lot of people won't date someone who isn't a member of their religion and no one thinks twice. Well, music is my religion and country music is blasphemy. Also, he likes to build things and built a cabin he is dying to take me to. I am a CITY GIRL. I like to go on hikes, I may camp once in a blue moon, but no...I'm not going to stay at a cabin all weekend.
-The scariest part of the whole thing is that despite it being completely obvious that we have nothing in common, he is still pursuing me and rather eagerly at that. I'm going to have to let him down and it isn't going to be pretty. I thought this was just a date, I'm seeing that he thought it was more. Of course, he was also fucking DRUNK, so maybe my standoffishness translates to desire and lust in some backwards rum and coke induced world.
- I am never dating again, ESPECIALLY NO ONE FROM WORK. Let us keep these things separate. Don't shit where you eat.

End of story.

2005-09-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

Alright,

I feel like I am going to puke.

(I told you, CONSTANT updates)

Funniest goddamn movie EVER.

2005-09-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

This movie makes me cry until my eyes hurt, it is so f'ing funny. A lot of people have said they liked Wedding Crashers more than this and all I have to say to those people are: You MUST be high on PCP. "Virgin" is a much superior film." "Crashers" was so anti-climactic. Go see it. I've seen it twice and I might go again. I guess it doesn't hurt that I have a thing for the guy who plays Cal, but whatever.

Does anyone else from WSU miss Taflinger? If I could have just taken classes by him and Patton I would have been a straight A student.

Speaking of PCP, I was watching COPS with my parents over in Sequim and some freak was so high on PCP he was shaking uncontrollably and quoting the Book of Mormon. It was crazy. I did a bunch of stuff this weekend. I FINALLY got a futon, so my living room will no longer look like a homeless squat and I got $$ from the parents to get new tires, so that is fantastic as well.

Whoa! Someone in the food bank is wearing patchouli....I can't decide if I really hate that smell or if it is okay sometimes. It reminds me of a guy I liked back in high school but it also reminds me of my best friend's ex, who I hated. I'm kind of conflicted about it, but it isn't something I think of a lot, so that is good. Smells are weird because they can bring back such good memories. The only smell I can't handle at the moment is of new construction. It makes me nauseated.

Like any of you reading this give a shit, jesus.

My date is tonight after work. Should be interesting.

Aight, more later.

The Land of Lavender

2005-09-16T16:29:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, I am leaving for Sequim, lavender capital of... something, and I don't know if I am excited or not. Who am I kidding? Sequim is fucking dull but I get to see my parents and my cats, so that makes it all better. Oh, and the piano will be there too.

Found this picture from the Onion and it definitely rings true.

#4 is well...yeah.

I went to IHOP with Courtney and some producers from Fox Sports NW. Super exciting and they paid for my food (I always order the "little piggies" which I hate ordering, but love to eat.)

I work in a dungeon. No windows, no natural light, no fresh air. I wanted to go get one of those lights people buy so in the winter they don't just end it, but they are like $120! If I bought one, I'd be broke and who the fuck cares about light, I'd be even more depressed and yeah. You can see where this is going.

I am super excited because in the 2 years since I left Pullman I forgot I owned Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" and TJ reminded me I'd let him borrow it and now he is giving it back. Unfortunately, I got tired of looking at Robin Williams' face and threw away the "LIVE" dvd I borrowed in exchange. I apologize TJ, but really, I think I did you a BIG favor.

Anyway, I am just about to be done with the longest 30 minutes of my life. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. PEACE!

Among other things...

2005-09-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

I have a date. Some guy at work asked me out and now I am freaking. The look on this thing in the picture is pretty much the look I have had on my face since this happened.

On a different topic, I just sampled a bunch of the songs off of the "Pussycat Dolls" CD and they all SUCK DICK. Granted, I have a big addiction to "Don't Cha." When that song comes on in the club I WILL get up and shake my ass, so I was excited to see what else they had to offer. Yeah, pretty much nothing. They do a hideous cover of the 80's hit "Tainted Love" and it just sounds like a bunch of teenagers got together with their showbiz moms and made an album.

I am, however, completely captivated by Common right now and I may just have to go and buy everything he has ever done. His rhymes are amazing. I wrote this on myspace, but I watched the "Queens of Comedy" last night and laughed a LOT, but didn't find it half as funny as the "Original Kings..." material. Those guys made me cry, these ladies were funny, but it just didn't hit me the same way. I also watched Eddie Murphy's "Raw" dvd...HILARIOUS!

LILLIAN!

Castle Superstore

2005-09-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

So my friend and I went to Castle last night just for some good ole immature 15 year old laughs and I found the funniest thing ever. A dildo that ejaculates. Here is what it said on the box.
(Yes, I took a picture with my phone...is there a better way to use it? I think not.)

Okay, better than real? For some reason I highly doubt it, but also, why would you need one that squirts? I would buy this and use it as a squirt gun and just scare the shit out of everyone. Also, 5 inches is definitely NOT better than the real thing. (Usually.)

Shindig!

2005-09-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

So yes, I went out for my birthday this weekend and it was insane.

I started Saturday by going and getting a make-over at the Nordstrom's MAC counter. Seriously, I looked like a porn star when they were done with me. I have never had that much eye make-up on in my life! I then went shopping with my friend Courtney and she took me out to lunch at PF Chang's. Very, very good stuff.

Started drinking at 9:30ish - won't even get into how much I consumed because it is crazy, but let's just say I was hammered. Went to the Ibiza where I met a hot guy and would not let go of his hand. He was talking to other girls and I was still holding his hand. What can I say, he was hot. From there, we went to Belltown Billiards and that is all I can tell you because I honestly have NO recollection of going there.
From there, we went to the strip club. We were dancing around, getting dollar bills eaten out of our bras, our mouths, our hands. I went up on stage and got numerous lap dances by numerous men. I was having fun.

However, once I walked off the stage, I was told we were leaving. Apparently, we had pissed off some stupid bitches and they told the bouncer we were being mean to them, so we were kicked out. I GOT KICKED OUT OF A STRIP CLUB.

I think we went home after that.

I paid the price on Sunday because I couldn't even look at food. I got over that though.
I can't wait to see the pictures cause I don't know what I took them of.

A view from the bottom

2005-09-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

Before I say anything else, just enjoy the picture for a second. Oh my, Colin! I could watch this all day. Let's face it, I'd watch Colin Farrell do just about anything.

While I am on the topic, someone asked me when I planned on having kids (I guess turning 25 automatically means it's kid time) and I told her that unless Colin Farrell, Jeremy Piven or Joe Fiennes (maybe Owen Wilson) called and told me they were looking for a womb on rental and that they also thought pregnant sex was HOTT, that I do not see any birthing in my future.

Really, how the hell do you raise a kid? You either are overprotective and give them a complex, or you are too laid back and they end up being useless jerk-offs. I'm sure there is that amazing moderate option, but I dunno. I don't see why everyone should have kids. I have some definite issues with bringing someone into the world considering how many children are out there already who don't have parents. In fact, I don't buy that whole issue people bring up about wanting to paass on their genes instead of adopting. You aren't THAT cool.

Maybe I'm just freaked because in the last week two of my friends have had babies. I'm beginning to think it was a super good thing I was so introverted in high school and didn't start partying until college because all the people I knew in high school who partied a lot then, have kids and baby's daddies now and yeah, NO.

I just watched that picture for a minute again...WOW.

Just call me Quarter Cent (50 Cent's future protege)

2005-09-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

25 years down, hopefully 50 more (at least) left.
I would try to be really deep and write about all I've learned in my time here on earth, but it pretty much comes down to one thing. I've learned that having fun is more important that anything else. If that sounds immature, than you'd be right on.

I feel like I am 10.

I got a carrot cake from a co-worker, Courtney bought me a Jamba Juice and I am hanging with Katie tonight. My party is tomorrow night AND Saturday night, so I am excited for everything. I'd quote Chappelle right now, but apparently that will only cause TJ to hunt me down and tear out my voice box...so I will refrain.

In other news...

I'm getting sadder by the day knowing that my friend Jesse is moving to California. Granted, I fully intend to move there myself in a year or so (not because of him) but I will miss him. We only have been hanging out for 3 months, but he is one of the nicer guys I've met in a while and has KILLER musical taste. I want him to be my personal DJ.

Well, this ignorant suburban white girl is signing off for the day.

25 years in the making

2005-09-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

This is why I hate Oprah Winfrey...she just told us the nation owes the Southeast an apology for not acting quicker and helping the people that were in Katrina. Let me think...who has a billion dollars and could probably BUY New Orleans?

Oh yeah, OPRAH!

Shut the Hell up, lady. This is the same person who had the most "embarrassing moment of her life" when she was denied the right to shop in London? Please. I thought you were raped, molested, forced to do cocaine and oppressed as a child and after all that, not being allowed to SHOP was the MOST embarrassing thing? That is SO Pretty Woman of you.

Just had to get that out of my system.

I ordered my birthday cake today. I will take a picture of it and post in on Monday. Let me just say, that it is going to be FUCKING AMAZING. I think I have played up this cake to my friends more than my actual birthday party itself. Whenever anyone told me they weren't coming I said "To bad you're going to miss out on my FUCKING AWESOME CAKE!"

I feel like I need TJ behind me right now screaming FUCK YEAH! As my hype man right now. Alas, he isn't. So excited to "bowl" with you by the way.

I got a new computer at work today that is much more compact than my previous one. I am kind of at a loss as to what I should do with all this extra space. I don't have mine decorated nearly as much as my co-worker does. Maybe I should build some kind of elaborate Lego Statue and bring it in, or maybe my teddy bear collection. I wish I HAD a teddy bear collection. Second thought, I'm glad I don't. I'm 25 years old (tomorrow) ! I only have one teddy bear and that is my Winnie-the-Pooh doll I got when I was 1 and he is a PIMP. Seriously, I dressed him up as a mobster with a jumpsuit and a gold chain. I call him Soprano Pooh. I'll take a picture of him and post it here too.

Weekend and pictures

2005-09-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

HIGHLIGHTS

Went to Bumbershoot on Friday and Sunday. Saw Garbage, The Pharcyde, Talib Kweli and COMMON (I am now madly in love with. Look how close I was to him. I took the picture with my camera phone. I think I got a good one of the Pharcyde on my regular camera. Everyone I saw was excellent. It started raining hardcore-style right as Common ended, which was perfect cause I went home right after that. I was going to stay and see Elvis Costello but I was in pain. Read on to find out why.

Hung out with my friend Nicole on Monday night, drank wine and watched like 6 episodes of "Sex and the City." Also looked at pictures from my past...my not very exciting past.

LOWLIGHTS

I was doing laundry on Saturday and as I walked into the laundry room at my apartment complex these two bastard children were spitting water on the cement floor as their mothers did laundry. I thought nothing of it until I slid and knocked my knee on the ground. Damage of which can be seen (somewhat) in the picture below. The worst part was that neither of the women helped me or apologized. I don't think they could speak English so I wanted to scream TUS NINOS SON MUERTO! (Your kids are dead..in bad Spanish, I'm sure) But no, I just got to my apartment as fast as I could before I started crying like a 5 year old, which I did exactly after I flung myself on my bed and called my mom. (Excuse my ugly, pasty white leg. Pay attention the to greenish/blackish area. )

Gross, I know. Alas, that was my weekend. I am super excited because my birthday is in TWO DAYS! I'll be 25! Scary, huh. Take of the 20 part and that is the age I really feel like.

Georgie

2005-09-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with our "president?"

We can send a ton of people over to Iraq but it takes days to move supplies and armed forces into f'ing New Orleans when OUR people are dying and any type of order is dissolving?
I heard Norway is the best country to live in. I am on my way.

Also, I know they are trying to help, but I hate it when celebrities go to disaster sites and talk about how horrible things are.
REALLY, Harry Connick, Jr? It's really sad down in the South? I wouldn't have ever believed it if it weren't for you. I mean, I thought those pictures of people crowding around the Superdome were photoshopped until you verified it for me!

Yeah, it is freaking horrible down there, but you are rich and get to leave and go back to your mansion.

Give me a break.

hmm...

2005-09-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

I was just told by my co-worker that I am not a typical "white girl." Thank God.

Is it because I was listening to Kanye West? Is it because I heart PM Dawn?

Is it because I just told him I am going to go grab some male stripper ass on my birthday next week?

Who knows.

Serious movie, yet hilarious as shit

2005-08-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God.

I saw the funniest movie ever last night. The sad thing is, it is supposed to be a serious film but I was cracking up the whole time. It is called "Grizzly Man" and it is about this guy named Timothy Treadwell who has taken it upon himself to go live in Alaska among bears. Mind you, this is completely dangerous and illegal, but he does it because he "loves" them and wants to protect them. Well, the sad thing is ...his friends that he loved so much mauled and ate him and his girlfriend. This movie was made out the footage he took with his camera over the two years before he was killed.

Here is an article from the Seattle PI about his death.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/142982_bearattack08.html

So, you may ask, what is so funny about this? Well, the guy is a total nutjob. He talks funny, he says funny things and the situations he gets himself in belong on a show that Bob Saget would host. Simply marvelous. I went with my friend Katie who had seen it once already but was dying to watch it again so she could laugh some more. Fortunately, I didn't feel too cold hearted since for the most part, the rest of the audience was laughing about it.

I'm already going to hell, but if you don't laugh during this movie, we just can't be friends.

more moving pictahs

2005-08-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

The best thing to do with this pic is watch it and listen to music at the same time. Right now I am listening to PM Dawn's "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" and the dancing actually fits the beat and it is HIlarious!

I don't think I have told you all what I am doing for my upcoming (next Thursday) birthday. My 25th birthday! I am going to go play mini-golf one night and the next I am going to the STRIP CLUB. I am going to grab hot stripper ass. It is going to be amazing and shameless. I am super pumped, and honestly, that is the most exciting thing going on right now with me. My co-worker is convinced that me and one of the guys that works here are perfect for each other. Yeah, me the little clueless white girl and him the 6'3, 250 pound black dude. That would be interesting...at least anyone who has ever met me would find that coupling funny.

Holy Christ

2005-08-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

VMAs

2005-08-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a friend's place for a VMA party where I drank a little too much wine and probably ate my weight in macaroni and cheese.
Anyway, we were all watching when R. Kelly came out to do a performance of 'In the Closet" or whatever it is called. Anyway, first they showed part of the video, then R. himself came out onto this set with a closet and a bed and proceeded to LIPSYNC the whole song and not well either. I was laughing the whole time! What the fuck? You go on the VMAs to lipsync your song? That was pathetic and made Ashlee Simpson look like a fucking amazing artist.

Also, I like Kelly Clarkson, but how did she win two awards and Gwen Stefani won nothing (except Diddy's fashion challenge)? BULLSHIT.

I liked the orchestral thing Diddy did over the B.I.G. songs and there were other funny parts (M.C. Hammer, anyone?)

Just to name drop a bit...I was watching the awards with Nelly's lawyer and Shawn Kemp's cousin among other people. HELLS yes.

One more post before my weekend starts

2005-08-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Here is the downside of Myspace (not that you needed ME to prove to you there is a downside)

I just got an unsolicited message from some random guy that read:

hey baby your really really hott im a single 24 yr old guy in federal way get back

I looked at his profile and imagine that, he is 400 pounds and is interested in finding people to play "Magic: The Gathering" with.

I have to know...why me? Do I have some sort of look on my face that says "Hey sexy, I love that you just polished off 3 pizzas by yourself...what a man. What? You want a polyamorous relationship with me and your many online girlfriends? No, I don't think I could share you."

Give me a fucking break. My first clue was the wrong use of the word "your," dumbass.

Random Question

2005-08-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever gone to a group for Agnostics or Atheists? I am wondering what the hell they talk about...that they are so sure God doesn't exist or isn't necessarily Christian? DOn't get me wrong, I'm not religious in the least but tt doesn't seem like there'd be much to talk about.

IN other news...

2005-08-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

Got a call at work from this woman who is (I swear to God) high on Meth everytime she calls. She called to bitch that her friend always asks her for food and refuses to come to the food bank. She talked for 15 minutes non-stop and I was sitting here wondering what the f she wanted. Finally I asked how I could help her and she asked what kinds of food we usually have. I told her it really depended on what was donated but usually things like produce, rice, coffee, pasta, boxed dinners. She goes "What kind of crap is that? That isn't food! That is shit!"

I hung up.

What I really wanted to say was "IT'S FUCKING FREE, BITCH!" But I couldn't. How can people who are desperate for food be so fucking picky? I wish I could come here for food, but I can't I have to have a job and BUY food. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? What happened to being grateful?

I thought this job would open my eyes to the problems of the human population and be more compassionate. All it is really making me do is detest humanity even more than I did before.

There are no words...

2005-08-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

TECHNOLOGY...blech

2005-08-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a long, in depth post and it gave me an error and erased my post.

Does anyone know why the profile on my blog is down at the bottom and not on the top, right-hand side like all the cool people? It is pissing me off.

In other news, I am going out to din din with my friend who tonight who I have a massive MASSIVE crush on. He is super cool and we've hung out a few times but nothing has happened and tonight, I am going to confess that I want to have 100's of his babies. Of course, I'm not going to say it that way, but I have to do it in a way that is not scary and where it would totally acceptable if he wasn't interested in the same way. I hate this shit. He is moving to LA in a few weeks anyway, and he is almost a decade older than me, but still I heart him. The best part, unlike about 99% of the guys I've liked in the past, he isn't a total dick. Imagine that. He really will be the one who got away.

I am kind of getting sick of not having access to a computer on the weekends. I have Megan's computer at my bro's that has GOBS of fantastic music that I want to burn, but of course, her cd-rom doesn't work.

A few observations

2005-08-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was looking at all the profiles of people I went to high school with on Myspace, and I have to ask...why do 65% of the girls look like they belong in "Jugs" magazine. I'm not necessarily talking about the size of their boobs, but the weird-ass pictures they decide to put up. Why do people feel like they have to be/look like a whore to get attention. Well, I guess you DO kind of have to look like a whore to get THAT kind of attention, but who actually WANTS that? What if you had a picture like that up and you went out one night and some random dude recognized you? That'd be gross and freaky and mace would probably need to be used. I just saw one girl's picture which was basically her cleavage in the camera with a caption that read "Think you can handle it? (yes, they're real! 36g!)" Yeah, so impressive.
I was reading an article today in EW about some show called " Battle of the Network Reality TV Stars". In it, a guy from "The Real World" named Mike "The Miz" talks about his life since being on RW "I've lived off it for four years, and I make more money than my college friends. MTV has given me the opportunity not to have to go to college - and I'm not saying don't go to college. But I do get to move to L.A....I've been to the playboy mansion many times." Wow... that is all I can really say. The fact that going to the Playboy mansion is his way of rationalizing that he is cool just makes me hope he goes on Fear Factor and dies after eating some kind of weird maggot/worm/intestine sausage.

2005-08-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

http://www.kirotv.com/news/4883839/detail.html

What the fuck is this about? I thought Christians believe in redemption and that all people are God's children and yet this televangelist condemns someone to death? What a dick.

If any of you ever feel the need to donate money to the "700 Club" just give it to a bum on the street because at least then the money will go to the source and won't be used to buy Pat Robertson more cars, clothes and a new pool. Fucker.

I Love the 90's

2005-08-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Oh my,

Mecca (aka Crossroads Mall) was great last night. So much music, so little time. Just so you have some background, Crossroads Mall has a bunch of great places to buy music for cheap. There is CD World, where bargain cds are $1-$3, Silver Platters, where nothing is really that cheap, and Half Price Books where Records are only about $2.98. Now, this isn't new stuff, everything is used and everything is usually from the 80's and 90's, but it is rad. Here is what I bought yesterday for under $10.

CDs

1. Whitney Houston - Whitney (good stuff WAY before she got on crack)
2. Gin Blossoms - New Miserable Experience (Hey Jealousy is one of my all time favorite songs)
3. En Vogue - Funky Divas (Love it!)
4. Heavy D and the Boyz (fucking rad!)
5. Some Kind of Wonderful soundtrack (badass movie, badass soundtrack)

Records

1. Purple Rain Soundtrack (EVERYONE should own this album because it is amazing. Computer Blue, Darling Nikki...amazing. The movie is the original 8 Mile but better. )
2. H2O - Hall and Oates...I bought this one for my friend Jesse who is moving to Cali in a few weeks. I also bought Purple Rain for him because I already have it framed on my wall.

So yes, a very good day in music buying.

Also, listening to the Gin Blossoms made me want to wrap a flannel around my waist and go hang out at an indie coffee shop a la "Singles" I miss the 90's...I really do.

Confession

2005-08-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, I'll admit it. When I get bored at work, I read the personal ads on Craigslist. I'm not looking for a date, I just usually get a good laugh or two when I read some of the lame-ass shit guys think is a turn-on for women.

Take this one for example:
LADYS! PICTURE PERCEFT DREAM DATE!! YOU HEAR DOORBELL RING, AND YOU ANSWER DOOR!! I STAND AT DOOR WITH SINGLE ROSE, AND IN BACK, THERE IS MERCEDES S CLASS IN THE DRIVE!! I OPEN DOOR FOR YOU AND HAVE SEAT WARMED UP WITH SEAT WARMER!! WE DRIVE TO MCORMICK AND SMITHS, I TIP VALET DRIVER HUGE!!! WE EAT LOBSTER STAKES, WE DRING WINE OF FRENCH, WE LOOK AT CITY LIGHTS AND ELLIET BAY!!! I TAKE YOU BACK TO HUGE HOUSE, I GIVE YOU KISS, WE MAKE GENTLE LOVE ON THE BED!!! THEN I LOOK INTO THE EYES AND SAY, THIS IS NOT DREAM!!!!1 PLEASE SEND FOTO AND WE TALK!

Okay, where do I even start? I'm not going to attack the integrity of his English because it is obviously his second language, but c'mon...a single rose? A Mercedes? A fucking seat warmer? I dunno guy, this might be attractive to women who daydream about being on "Elimidate" but I bet 75% of rational females would puke all over you if you did everything you say you'll do in this thing...at least I would. Also, I doubt you are that good at making "gentle love on the bed" that some woman would think she was dreaming and need you to clarify it for her.
I feel like the only person who would think they were dreaming was that lucky Valet driver who gets the big tip.

This is kinda fun...okay, I'll do another one.

Lately it seems I never get to talk to women without having to give my credit card number. I have my reservations about the whole Relationship/ Marriage thing. Did you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce? They’re not even counting the ones that end with: asphyxiation, arson, bludgeoning, drowning and gun play……

I’m only up to the “G’s” here, but you get my drift. But recently I’ve been having this recurring dream / fantacy that the world is struck by a giant meteoroid and only Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and I survive to repopulate the planet. Until then it's just me and Vynel Valerie. But I can’t wait for the meteoroid, to meet my dream girl. This is the 21 century! The internet is the biggest paradigm shift since the cotton gin, so I figure....why not give this a shot.

Now most of you women are wondering why you can't find any attractive, sensitive, considerate, caring men out there; well most of them already have boyfriends! So consider me! I’m racially tolerant too. All women are welcome, any race or creed, but you Muslim women might have to hike up the hemlines on your Burqas. And I don’t want any hassles from old boyfriends from the homeland, particularly the suicidal ones with the dish-cloth head dress and semtex jockstraps. Allah-Ack-ba, or whatever to you.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a racist and there isn't a bigoted bone in my body. You see i beleive that if we all could only take the time to talk to these people, spend time with them and truly get to know them, we will find many more valid, solid, concrete reasons to TRULY hate them!

[This isn't even half of what he wrote but it is all retarded, so I'm giving you a sample....it is still about a minute and a half that you'll never get back]

Okay, first mistake: you aren't a comedian. Everything in here is lame shit I've heard a few dozen times from horrendous sources and none of it is funny. Secondly, you admit to fucking a blow-up doll. Thirdly, everything you say about Moslems IS racist and extremely offensive. Any women that would continue reading after that paragraph and still be interested probably has some starched whites hanging in the closet and is just aching for the next rally.
I honestly think the guy that wrote this is a virgin and not the cute, innocent kind either. He probably goes to porn conventions, knows all the talent by name and probably stalks them too.

Ladies, stay away.

Now, back to real life...I'm going record shopping with my friend Jen tonight and I highly plan on spending lots of bills on used, $1 records by people like Hall &Oates, Human League and maybe a little Bananarama. FUCK YEAH!

Wow

2005-08-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post...there will be a longer one later, but I had to say...I got WASTED this weekend on tequila (which I've had, like, 5 times in my life) and I turned into a different person. There was no Sarah...only Zool. I went out with some boring people who suck and ended up flirting with everyone, getting some free beer and generally being an idiot. It was INSANE...I don't think I will ever get like that again with people I don't trust cause that was kinda bad. They pretty much talked to each other and ignored me all night, which is why I was talking to everyone else. Talk about being the third wheel...DAMN!